It may or may not be obvious from the previous posts that I had been in quite a gunky funk and luckily, there were caring people out there that held up giant flags of love for me. Despite my upsets, complaints and anger, these people, whether consciously or not, have, in their own ways pointed me toward creating the peace only I can have for myself. Some friends let me cry and validated my frustrations and anger and others shared funny stories to lift the "seriousness" of it all. While some simply tolerated me in silence, another offered gentle hints by reading quotes from Eckhart Tolle's, A New Earth. If you haven't read Mr. Tolle's books, then the following might seen a bit cryptic, but then maybe not.
Whenever I read Eckhart Tolle's novels or articles, I feel like I have to re-read the same paragraphs several times before it feels like I understand what he trying to say. But, from the little bit I was able to re-read during the kid's nap, I deduced that the cause of my prolonged funk was due to being on an extreme ego trip.
In a quick attempt, and maybe quick is not the best way, to disarm my ego and it's need to be right, be special and to stand out, I listed a list of grievances. As I was writing these out, I paused, felt each grievance for a moment, and kept writing until I could no longer think of anything else to add. Once I got to the end, I no longer felt any emotion and the whole list felt like a grocery list. I also spend time forgiving myself for having each grievance.
This quote really clicked for me. "The moment you become aware of a negative state within yourself, it does not mean you have failed. It means you are have succeeded. The thoughts, emotions or reactions are recognized, and in the moment of recognizing, dis-identification happens automatically. Your sense of self, of who you are, then undergoes a shift: Before you were the thoughts, emotions, and reactions; now you are the awareness, the conscious Presence that witnesses those states."
Once I was reminded that my negative thoughts are just a cause of a hyperactive ego, I was able to see them coming instantly and to dismiss them, as they serve no purpose to me at all, and quite simply only act as the biggest sticks in my wheels. So there you go! In weird loopy way, spending less time on Facebook and doing other things, lifted me out of my funk.
On another related note, I recently tried to get rid of my depression, by smashing some plates against a wall, and left some plates behind along with a note inviting someone else to smash some. And someone did! He's what he said in an email to me:
Thank you, you are a good samaritan and a genius.
I only needed to smash one plate today, so I left the rest of the stack and the note after gathering up the pieces.
You've
inspired me in two ways. first, random acts like your plates make the
world a better place, I've been looking at too big a picture in terms of
my art and my scope of effectiveness in the world, when I don't really
know how to get the little things done, I find them annoying and base,
but they're the most important. Second, i can always just go to a thrift
store and buy a stack of smashable plates, as long as I clean up after
myself.
Stay Classy,
D.
So in the end, I think something good came out my bad mood, and so, I forgive myself for being in such a nasty funk. And, to re-invent my Facebook habit, I've decided to name Fridays: Facebook Fridays, and to only check and update then. FBF! See you then!
