Out of a Gunky Funk

In my last post, I announced that I would take a break from checking my Facebook account. It's been a week now and I can't say that it made a huge impact on my life, it's not like quitting smoking or drinking coffee, but for the first few days, I did notice how often I was compelled to check my account and had to divert my online time to other sites. I spent more time on websites dedicated to my artistic and creative pursuits and listened to more CBC. Not checking my FB account also decreased the overall time I spent online. Not that I spent hours and hours looking at Facebook, but every time I checked, this would inevitably lead to more time spent online looking at other sites. So instead, I found myself doing other fun things; sewing, writing, goofying around with my kid, baking an apple pie, and doing some soul healing. Soul healing? Yup, that's what happens when you make space, something comes along to fill it.

It may or may not be obvious from the previous posts that I had been in quite a gunky funk and luckily, there were caring people out there that held up giant flags of love for me. Despite my upsets, complaints and anger, these people, whether consciously or not, have, in their own ways pointed me toward creating the peace only I can have for myself. Some friends let me cry and validated my frustrations and anger and others shared funny stories to lift the "seriousness" of it all. While some simply tolerated me in silence, another offered gentle hints by reading quotes from Eckhart Tolle's, A New Earth. If you haven't read Mr. Tolle's books, then the following might seen a bit cryptic, but then maybe not.

Whenever I read Eckhart Tolle's novels or articles, I feel like I have to re-read the same paragraphs several times before it feels like I understand what he trying to say. But, from the little bit I was able to re-read during the kid's nap, I deduced that the cause of my prolonged funk was due to being on an extreme ego trip.

In a quick attempt, and maybe quick is not the best way, to disarm my ego and it's need to be right, be special and to stand out, I listed a list of grievances. As I was writing these out, I paused, felt each grievance for a moment, and kept writing until I could no longer think of anything else to add. Once I got to the end, I no longer felt any emotion and the whole list felt like a grocery list. I also spend time forgiving myself for having each grievance.

This quote really clicked for me.  "The moment you become aware of a negative state within yourself, it does not mean you have failed. It means you are have succeeded. The thoughts, emotions or reactions are recognized, and in the moment of recognizing, dis-identification happens automatically. Your sense of self, of who you are, then undergoes a shift: Before you were the thoughts, emotions, and reactions; now you are the awareness, the conscious Presence that witnesses those states."

Once I was reminded that my negative thoughts are just a cause of a hyperactive ego, I was able to see them coming instantly and to dismiss them, as they serve no purpose to me at all, and quite simply only act as the biggest sticks in my wheels. So there you go! In weird loopy way, spending less time on Facebook and doing other things, lifted me out of my funk. 

On another related note, I recently tried to get rid of my depression, by smashing some plates against a wall, and left some plates behind along with a note inviting someone else to smash some. And someone did! He's what he said in an email to me:


Thank you, you are a good samaritan and a genius.

I only needed to smash one plate today, so I left the rest of the stack and the note after gathering up the pieces. 

You've inspired me in two ways. first, random acts like your plates make the world a better place, I've been looking at too big a picture in terms of my art and my scope of effectiveness in the world, when I don't really know how to get the little things done, I find them annoying and base, but they're the most important. Second, i can always just go to a thrift store and buy a stack of smashable plates, as long as I clean up after myself. 

Stay Classy, 

D.

  
So in the end, I think something good came out my bad mood, and so, I forgive myself for being in such a nasty funk. And, to re-invent my Facebook habit, I've decided to name Fridays: Facebook Fridays, and to only check and update then. FBF! See you then!

Tequila Shots and Plate Smashing

It's funny how depression creeps up on me slowly and it gives me little signs, it doesn't hide behind something and then kaplow! jumps up and says: feel lame now! It creeps in when I don't make time for myself, when I don't exercise, when I feel lonely, but don't make an effort to reach out, and when I eat a lot of granola or Greek vanilla yogurt.

I feel like the soaked leaves on the sidewalk, all mushed up with no where to go. Like the tasteless soup I dumped out after a day in the slow cooker. Like deflated birthday balloon found under the couch.  Listing these similes is cheering me up a little bit, ooh... In the past I used to worry when I felt depressed, stress out about it and created a bit of drama for myself, but now, I simply notice it and let myself fall into it. I don't feel guilty about it, I don't try to mask it by doing chores or baking, I just let it be. It goes away eventually. It always does. Like an English as a second language student who is here to study for a while and then goes back home.

So like I said, I'm quite content sitting with my sorry self for now, but at some point I'll get the urge to do something about it. Before the kid, furniture rearranging, heading for the border, retail therapy, sharing a bottle of red with a funny friend or taking an entire day to make a giant paella with my husband would have done the trick, but things have changed. How have they changed? At first, I thought it was spontaneity that was missing, but it's not entirely that. It's my belief (belief, right? not necessarily reality) that the hassle of scheduling, arranging, planning, and finding babysitting outweighs the benefits of doing something fun. And if by surprise, I find myself with a few hours of free time, my mind goes blank and I end up alone somewhere drinking coffee or biking around aimlessly. There's a little drama :)

So there are two approaches; deal with the belief first and the blahness will go away or deal with the blahness and then the belief will dissipate. Or do both at once?

I've been mulling over some ideas in my head to kick this blahness to the curb. A couple of tequila shots might work. There's a collection of dusty tequila bottles in the cupboard, it's two thirty in the afternoon Um... tempting, but it might impede my tiny motivation to make it to Zumba tonight, which has been proven to help in the past.

Another new way came to me this morning as I was looking out my kitchen window. Across the street from us, there's a restaurant equipment business that just put out big stacks of plates with a free sign on them. Plate smashing? Very tempting!

How about putting on a ridiculous prom dress? My high school prom dress is hanging in my closet, but it's about the size of my ankle, so, maybe not, but maybe wearing something flashy, fun and sexy and dancing to loud '80's music might do it.

Sex might be an effective third way. Tequila, plate smashing, and high heels might be interesting foreplay....

or just calling a damn babysitter.

I'm not kidding.