Tequila Shots and Plate Smashing

It's funny how depression creeps up on me slowly and it gives me little signs, it doesn't hide behind something and then kaplow! jumps up and says: feel lame now! It creeps in when I don't make time for myself, when I don't exercise, when I feel lonely, but don't make an effort to reach out, and when I eat a lot of granola or Greek vanilla yogurt.

I feel like the soaked leaves on the sidewalk, all mushed up with no where to go. Like the tasteless soup I dumped out after a day in the slow cooker. Like deflated birthday balloon found under the couch.  Listing these similes is cheering me up a little bit, ooh... In the past I used to worry when I felt depressed, stress out about it and created a bit of drama for myself, but now, I simply notice it and let myself fall into it. I don't feel guilty about it, I don't try to mask it by doing chores or baking, I just let it be. It goes away eventually. It always does. Like an English as a second language student who is here to study for a while and then goes back home.

So like I said, I'm quite content sitting with my sorry self for now, but at some point I'll get the urge to do something about it. Before the kid, furniture rearranging, heading for the border, retail therapy, sharing a bottle of red with a funny friend or taking an entire day to make a giant paella with my husband would have done the trick, but things have changed. How have they changed? At first, I thought it was spontaneity that was missing, but it's not entirely that. It's my belief (belief, right? not necessarily reality) that the hassle of scheduling, arranging, planning, and finding babysitting outweighs the benefits of doing something fun. And if by surprise, I find myself with a few hours of free time, my mind goes blank and I end up alone somewhere drinking coffee or biking around aimlessly. There's a little drama :)

So there are two approaches; deal with the belief first and the blahness will go away or deal with the blahness and then the belief will dissipate. Or do both at once?

I've been mulling over some ideas in my head to kick this blahness to the curb. A couple of tequila shots might work. There's a collection of dusty tequila bottles in the cupboard, it's two thirty in the afternoon Um... tempting, but it might impede my tiny motivation to make it to Zumba tonight, which has been proven to help in the past.

Another new way came to me this morning as I was looking out my kitchen window. Across the street from us, there's a restaurant equipment business that just put out big stacks of plates with a free sign on them. Plate smashing? Very tempting!

How about putting on a ridiculous prom dress? My high school prom dress is hanging in my closet, but it's about the size of my ankle, so, maybe not, but maybe wearing something flashy, fun and sexy and dancing to loud '80's music might do it.

Sex might be an effective third way. Tequila, plate smashing, and high heels might be interesting foreplay....

or just calling a damn babysitter.

I'm not kidding.

Good Mail via Snail Mail

I've been writing by hand this month. I don't know how this came about exactly, but I think it started when I decided to fill my husband's work mailbox with good mail. And then, I decided that my faraway good friend, who was not having the best time, also needed some mail. I collected "treasures" that could be written on and mailed; chopsticks, stickers, postcards, menus, cartoons, recipes and even candy.  As I was writing, I also became more and more aware of different pens and how they write. At first, I rummaged in my households' pencil holders, but unsatisfied with most pens we had, I finally "permanently adopted" my husband's fancy work pen.

Think of all the time we spend typing and texting. We hardly even sign our names anymore or write the date on things. It's not only the art of letter writing that has disappeared, but also the way we write with a pen or a pencil. Our fingers cramp. I noticed the other day when I was writing with a pencil that I instantly felt like a kid again. I was reminded that it's hard to keep the lines straight when the paper is blank and that I haven't licked a stamp in forever, but still remember that slightly sweet glue taste.

Sending and receiving a letter feels the same as giving or receiving a gift, doesn't it? When we open the mail box, absentmindedly flipping through the bills and flyers, and we discover some good mail, it's like a mini Christmas morning, isn't it?  We pay attention to the stamp, the envelope, and the paper. We recognize the handwriting and we miss that person suddenly. We might save reading that letter for a quieter time in our day when we can relax and read it uninterrupted. Good mail is more than just words; a postcard is like a flying kiss and a four page letter is like a long hug.

It's been a rediscovery for me. I decided to read more about people who write by hand, and visited a shop near my house that lets you type a letter on their vintage typewriters; it was super fun and I'll probably make it habit to go regularly. While I was there, I treated myself to some nice stationery and free tea and cookies. I know that letter writing is not as easy as sending an email or texting on your phone, but it's more fun! Here are some tips I found useful to get back in the handwriting groove:

• Next time you visit the post office, buy a book of stamps and keep them in your wallet along with the addresses of a handful of people you want to write to regularly. 
• Have fun selecting the stamps and don't be afraid to ask the clerk to show you what else is in the stamp drawer; I once had a boyfriend who was very particular about using "just the right stamp" for the right person, and it really did add a "je-ne-sais-quoi" to his letters. 
• Start small. A post card, a thank you card, or a comic cut out of the paper. Be imaginative about what constitutes a letter, usually if it's about the thickness of a Ryvita cracker it's good to go with a regular stamp.
• Write to different people; a thank you note to your local coffee shop owners who brew that perfect cup, an idea or suggestion to your mayor, or a letter of encouragement to yourself.
• Don't expect anything in return. Just anticipate in your mind, the surprised look on your loved one's face when they open their mailbox.

Hooray for snail mail!
Renew your Canada Post patronage!
Send some love!

The view from my letter writing spot.

I Wanna Do It!

Got my feet up on the patio with a cold beer I normally wouldn't be enjoying, but with this heat, it's refreshing. My man is upstairs conked out in bed with the fan on after a long flight back from Montreal, and the boy is parked in front of Caillou. Yup, I'm not proud of it, but I used Caillou to bargain with him. One extra episode in return for coming to the store with me without throwing a tantrum. It's just so hot and the air so thick, I feel like any little whine will send me over the edge. It's probably also because I need a break from the kid. Wanna play? Mommy? Wanna play?

Playing is um.... interesting these days. It's definitely a 2 and half year old thing and it's tricky to play with a toddler who constantly says: "No, Mommy! It's my turn! No, Mommy, I wanna do it! No, wait! Mommy, you do it! No, Mommy my turn! I wanna do it!"

What about Mommy? What does Mommy want? Mommy wants to take a cold shower. Mommy wants to find shade under a tree with a good book and a cooler full of ice cold water. Mommy wants to close her eyes and sleep. It's MY turn!

Okay, that's it for my little rant. I went down to the underground storage and pulled out another fan and now I'm just waiting for my man to finish bath time with the boy to scoop out some coconut ice cream. I've regained some sanity.

Happy Flower

Wabi Sabi Pottery: an exercise in letting go!

I beat the winter blues this year by signing up for the first pottery class at the newly built Trout Lake Community Center. I was reluctant to join for different reasons; partly because I'm pretty tired in the evenings, plus it lasted past my usual bedtime of 9:00 pm and I usually get that art buzz of ideas and can't get to sleep. But I decided to join anyway. 

What a fascinating mix of people! We were mostly beginners who had never sat at a wheel before and were anxious to get started. Since I was my quieter self, due to being tired, I listened more than usual. It seemed difficult for some to relax and simply enjoy playing. I heard a lot of: "Am I doing this right?","Is this how it's supposed to work?", " I can't get mine to work.".

 If you've ever taken a pottery class, especially if you have ever tried to throw anything on a wheel before, you know how patient and accepting you have to be of anything that might have some use. You may have the intention of making a beautiful platter or pasta bowl or even a simple cereal bowl, but soon enough, as the clay whips around the wheel and you desperately try to control it, you learn to love your warped, dented soy sauce plate. At every stage; throwing, trimming, firing, and glazing, you must relinquish your idea of what your piece will be like. So long my beautiful set of matching cups! Yay to my new soap dish, coin bowl and pencil holder!

As in the ancient Japanese aesthetic of Wabi Sabi which describes a certain beauty as "imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete", it also acknowledges three simple realities: nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect. Pottery allows you enjoy this aesthetic by forcing you to let go of perfectionism and control and rejoice in dents, cracks, unevenness, and unpredicted colors.

I did get home late, and I did have trouble getting to sleep, but one thing I can say is that, there is nothing like eating breakfast out of a bowl you made yourself! You do get better at it. Promise. But even our teacher who could throw a perfectly symmetrical piece, was still surprised to see the final outcomes!

Take your Reptile for a Walk

This morning, we left the breakfast mess on the counter and the oatmeal to congeal. We went upstairs to play with a wooden train set, then we dressed our son in his Halloween costume. I say it's a dragon, my husband says it's a dinosaur and the neighbors said: "Take a look at that fine looking crocodile!" Bonus! 3 costumes in one. We took our "reptile" to a local coffee shop, got coffees,  and visited the fire truck at the station. We walked to the park and swung the reptile, then we walked back playing hide-and-seek along the way and admiring the colors of the autumn leaves. We held hands and made fun of ugly houses in the neighborhood. It was a beautiful, peaceful morning. Just the way I like them. The three of us, doing our thing.

Some weekends it feels like there's so much to do: cleaning, cooking, fixing the car, grocery shopping, etc... and that it will never end. When one thing gets fixed another breaks, and don't get me started on meals, sometimes I wish we didn't have to eat as often to survive. Once or twice a week would be great. Overall though, I feel I've come to relax about this. It will get done. Eventually. One day. When it needs to. I'd rather enjoy doing less and doing it with joy and intention then frantically trying to get it all done. Keeping things simple is also a great way to reduce feelings of "being SO busy." On Zen Family Habits, I picked out some of their 43 Simple Ways To Simplify Your Life.

My favorites are: 

1. Turn off your cell phone. I don't own one so Yay! That's easy!
2. Go to bed early. I hit the sack at 9pm. It's the only way I can stay sane. Sane Mommy=happy family. Insane Mommy makes lame dinners.
3. Purge as much unneeded clutter as possible. The less you have, the less needs attention.
4. Want what you have not what you don’t. This is hard at first, but try it. Tell yourself: "I have every thing I need and it's perfect for me."
5. Get outside. This relates back to going to bed early. Going outside every day keeps me sane. I'd like to go to wilderness more often though; less parks, more forests.
6. Let go of the self-imposed need to be perfect. So the floor is crusty and baby keeps bringing me the fluff off the carpet. It doesn't matter.  I just go outside.

Must do these:

1. Keep a bag for garbage in your car. I keep meaning to do this and forget.
2. Ask for experiences not things for your birthday and Christmas this year. This is what I read: Ask for Mommy Time for your birthday and Christmas this year. Not and hour. A FULL AFTERNOON, or even a FULL DAY.

Ones that don't work for me:

1. Get a label maker or write labels out by hand. Labelers are weird people and generally overuse their label maker. Label makers tend to become sign makers, and then the signs become lists of rules. I don't label- it's a scary thing.
2. Set your clothes out for the next day the night before. Place it neatly on the bed and step back to admire your selection. Weird. Just put on clothes. 
3. Be positive. Blah. Be angry or depressed if you want. Do it fully. Then move on.

Keeping it simple really is key. However that looks for you. It's easy: play hide-and-seek with a reptile, hold hands with the one you love, drink a decent cup of coffee, and marvel at nature. When all that is done, come home, vacuum the fluff off the carpet. Call it a day and go to bed early.

Under the Piano

Last year, while I was still pregnant, my lovely co-workers got me a gift certificate for Under The Piano. What's special about this is that while you are laying under the piano, Craig plays whatever comes to him. How cool is that? Lying down to enjoy a concert that is yours only. Well, Baby came early and we never made it. Today, I managed to make some mommy time for myself and go with my good friend instead. It was fantastic! I regret that I wasn't able to go when Baby was still in my womb because the vibrations from the notes and the piano were so wonderful! After the 40 minute session, I felt so relaxed and so happy.

I recommend this to any pregnant mom, for sure, and anyone else who would like to experience something different. Couples would love it for something intimate and different than your typical dinner date. Craig offers package deals and also a recorded CD copy of your concert. I'll probably go back, just for some more well-deserved mommy time. What a wonderful way to enjoy music!