Dating Mr. Us

In a marriage there are 3 people. Obviously there's you and your partner. That's easy to see, because you are both physically there, but there is another "person", I'll call him "Mr. Us". Mr. Us is harder to see and often gets lost, mostly because he's not human, but also because he tends to hide when life gets too full with responsibilities, chores, kids, and stress.

Mr. Us doesn't like to be ignored for too long though, and because he's not human, he can't say things like: "Hey! Hey you there! Look at me! I'm bored!", but he uses other weird ways to get noticed. One of his ways is to make you forget you're a wife or a husband by putting the focus of your attention on the other roles you have like worker, parent, sibling, volunteer etc..so much so that your partner starts to feel like a roommate instead of a spouse. Then, Mr. Us, and this is his favorite way to get noticed because it amuses him a lot, will amplify your "roommate's" annoying little habits so much so that you'll start to think things like, why did I marry this person?, or will this person ever change?

So what's the best way to stop Mr. Us' crazy ways? To pay attention to him of course! He can be demanding; requiring daily attention and a variety of activities on a regular basis. This can be the trickier part, but can easily be incorporated in daily life with just a bit of attention. His favorite activities are intimacy, open communication, fun, laughter, novelty, compliments, adventure, physical touch, acts of service, learning, sharing and gifts. Most of these activities come in a bundle, so if you can make one happen, others will automatically happen. Mr. Us likes this a lot.

When my husband and I first met, Mr. Us was super happy. We took him out to dinner to every restaurant in town, took him on road trips to the States, flew him to Brazil, shared many bottles of wine and had long conversations with him, floated him down a raft in some rapids, took him to see movies, shared our wedding with him etc... The list is long. And then, slowly, and mostly after the kid, Mr. Us got ignored more and more and started acting up. But I know him. I know his sneaky ways and his shenanigans when he feels left out. I know how to head him off before it's too late. I have tricks up my sleeve.

When I notice myself getting annoyed by my husband's little habits, the things he didn't do or the ones he didn't do right, I say to myself: "Hold your horses!" First, I take inventory of what's going on with me. Have I put myself or my health on the back burner? If the answer is yes, then that's the first thing I take care of. Once that's done, then I ask myself, when was the last time we had real fun just the two of us together? Even though I've read how important it is to schedule a "date night" we've only set this in motion recently, and it's been awesome. What scheduling does, is put Mr. Us at the forefront, which he loves!

"Date nights" also allow for meaningful conversation even though talking is not always mandatory. It's also okay if the only way you can come up with meaningful conversation is to prepare questions on a piece of paper or steal ideas from a book or the internet. Especially if you're like us and the conversation always falls back to the kid. Here's a sample of questions Mr. Us likes:

• The kind of relationship we have is. . .
• One way in which we are alike, is. . .
• One way in which we are different, is. .
• I feel closest to you when. . .
• What I like best in our relationship is. . .
• In five years, I see us. . .
• Something you have helped me learn about myself is. . .
• I have most fun with you when. . .
• What I think I could have done to make your day better is...

So, make yourself, your spouse and your marriage happy, schedule a date night right now! Sit down together and find ways you can satisfy Mr. Us! It's the only way to go! Pretend you've only just met. What would you be doing together? What would you be talking about?

Date Night? Yah, Right!

I'm too tired, you're too tired. I'm crusty with oatmeal, sidewalk chalk and caked-on noodles. You've got dark work-circles under your eyes. We're both wearing the most comfortable, least attractive jogging pants we own. You need a haircut. I need a manicure. I want to lay on the couch with a bag of cookies and you want to surf the web with a beer. Okay. Wait. We have to connect. Remember me? The woman you choose to marry? No? It must be the pants. Apparently we're supposed to organize a date night. Do you want to plan a date night tonight? No. Too tired? Me too.

Does this sound slightly familiar? If you have kids it should. Here are some ideas that require little brain power, organization and are practically free. Leave the dishes and shut off the electronics for a moment and take a look.

1. Friday night gifts: Plan to exchange a gift every Friday night after the kids are in bed. Make a ritual out of it. Pour yourself a glass of wine, offer your gift and tell each other why you picked it. Gifts can be at no cost or you can set a price limit.

2. Mail some love: Buy a roll of stamps next time you are at the post office and keep it handy. Mail your spouse a "card". It can be a traditional card, a postcard, a picture, an interesting article, anything you want to mail. Include loving words.

3. Kiss in strange places or for strange reasons: You may make a rule together or keep the rule a secret, for example you could kiss your partner every time you see a person wearing a hat on the subway or every time your partner says "You're right."

4. Co-read a book, set a limit such as one chapter a week and host your book club on a weeknight. Serve cheese and crackers.

5.  Buy and learn a new board game.

6.  Invent a TGIF cocktail or mocktail together or surprise each other by taking turns.

Wedding Anniversary

In honor of my 2nd year wedding anniversary coming up this January 14th,  I set intention to refine and set focus on the following:

The 10 Musts for Every Marriage

1. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Use both your heart and your head.
2. Be fully present when you greet each other at the end of the day.
3. Don't relegate all romance to February 14th. Don't try to create the perfect evening, do live in the moment and find joy in the unexpected.
4. Cultivate passion. Do this consciously. If you have kids, plan it!
5. Listen to your partner's feelings, not just his words.
6. Take every opportunity to laugh together. Look for funny things, movies, etc...
7. Eat a little humble pie each day. Be the first to accept fault and responsibility.
8. Don't be afraid to fight a good fight. Be honest with the issues and how you feel and never bury your feelings. Steer clear of criticism, defensiveness and contempt.
9. Celebrate your differences. Remember that the way we are different is what attracted us in the beginning.
10. Walk together in your faith in a way that is meaningful.

I can admit that I haven't always exercised much of the musts on this list! I vow then to do so. It's my wish to celebrate my awesome husband by spending time every day, away from the craziness of taking care of Baby and home on at least 1 must on this list!

I love you Babe!

Reading Myself Loud and Clear?

There's that feeling again. That indescribable itch that won't go away. I tried to make it go away this morning by taking off on my bike and riding around East Vancouver in the cold sunshine. It was still there when I got home. Then the itch made me snap at my sweet husband who was focused on installing our new flat screen television. Okay, so I took my itch to the mall, I thought I could make it go away by finally treating myself to a much needed winter coat. Bad idea. There was some sort of "sidewalk sale" and even though it was sunny outside, the crowds were going insane for a deal. I looked in a few stores, bought a much needed fleece instead, and gave up. Did some grocery shopping on the way home, thinking the itch would go away if I bought lots of yummy fruits and veggies for the week. Nope, the itch was still there. I walked back to my car; Baby in one arm leaking pee on my coat, one hand holding a grocery bag about to break while pushing the stroller, one hand holding the car key, one hand catching my coat about to fall off the stroller, and another hand holding my new fleece. (Did you see how many hands I can instantly grow? It's a secret mom thing.) Anyway, I got home. The t.v. looks great. I put Baby down for a nap and made some tea. I'm here now and although it seems like the itch is fading, I know it's still there, humming the same song over and over again. What's it saying? Feed me? Run? Get drunk? Sleep? Call someone? Take a bath? I can't tell. Here's what I suspect it's trying to tell me....

It wishes for more than 1 hour alone with my husband. Time when we are not tired, not doing chores, or shopping, not wearing our house clothes, not wondering if Baby is about the wake up at any moment, not at home, not talking about Baby, or doing chores or shopping. That's what I suspect the itch is telling me. It wants time for something else. Less a cook, less a cleaner, less a party planner, less a family organizer, or menu and activity planner.

It wants to have fun. Less mommy fun. More adult fun like before....
Might be time for a date... we'll see, even that takes so much work now.....
It's worth it. Then the itch might go away.

Step Away from the Baby

Do you know why I have an awesome husband? Because after a long last day at work, saying goodbye to his co-workers and packing up his things, he comes home and takes over the screaming, crying and whining baby. My patience was already wearing thin when I got my finger caught in the clasp as I was trying to tie Baby into his highchair. It hurt so much I started crying, like a tired, damn it hurts, I can't take this anymore, and it's kinda of funny at the same time type of cry. And then baby started to cry again because I was crying. What a mess. My husband swhooshed in just at that moment. I swear I heard the sound of his super hero cape whip up behind him.

I've run away upstairs. I can still hear a faint cry but I choose to ignore it. For my sanity. I choose to ignore it. Thank you my husband. Meu querido.

Babyproofing Your Marriage- A Great Book

"I expected to add diaper, pacifier, formula to my new motherhood vocabulary-I didn't think f*!k and s#*t would feature so prominently!" Lisa married 5 years, 1 kid

Babyproofing your Marriage, 2007

Funny. Babyproofing Your Marriage-How to Laugh More, Argue Less, and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows is a hilarious, down to earth book written by real mom authors, Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill and Julia Stone. At first, I was saying to myself: "yawn, not another self-help book that takes 233 pages to explain a one paragraph concept.", but I decided to give it a try and do some armchair reading slash breastfeeding.

I absolutely loved this book. It covered everything that's missing at those mommy groups and what other parents are too tired to share with you. The best chapters are "What's the score? The post-baby battle of the sexes" and "The sex life of new parents. Coitus non-existus." Too tired to read? Cartoons are included.

What's also really nice about this book is that it's written for both women and men and highlights real examples from both moms and dads! Also provides lots of useful advice on how to say goodbye to your "single, where should we fly to this weekend, pour me another glass of wine self" and embrace "your turn to change diapers, what's my name, I'm so tired self."

Visit the library or order online!

The Case of the Wet Towels

I have attended "New Mommy Groups" and have met new moms and their babies as well as received good advice from the nurses there about safety, nutrition, development etc... but what about the really important issues like;


The Case of the Wet Towels:

Finally baby is napping. I get to take that long awaited shower. Ah! the privacy, the hot, steaming water and fresh soap smell! What bliss! And as I bring a towel to my face, Bam! The stink of rotten, moldy bacteria fills my nose. All the towels are still damp and moldy.

Solution:

1. Wipe myself down with a moldy, damp towel, effectively canceling out all the bliss of the shower.
2. Wipe myself down with the small, dry, dirty hand towel.
3. Silently blame beloved husband for not putting the towels in the dryer which seems to be the only way to prevent this moldy issue.

No one tells you at the new mommy group why this becomes such a big issue, why I want to cry over these wet towels, why talking to my beloved husband about it makes it seems like a much bigger deal than it should be. Like, come on, wet towels?  
Not the end of the world, right? But it feels like it is!

My good friend Carolina, who has 3 lovely daughters, listened to my plea, and reassured me that I wasn't crazy for crying about wet towels and that as a new mom, sometimes things like that can really put a damper (no pun intended) on your day. And it's okay to cry over it! And it's okay to lose your cool!

So lessons learned:

1. When you need advice don't ask the newbies, ask those with experience! Thanks Carolina for making me laugh about it all!
2. When you need dry towels, think of solution that works and just ask again nicely. Thanks, my beloved husband, for being on board with me!