Being a Better Mommy Friend

I'm learning to be a better friend to my mom friends. Recently I noticed that my mind seems to shut off when my mom friends talk about their kids and I felt bad about it. Then it occurred to me that it is because when, us, moms talk about our kids we are not really interested in hearing about what anyone else has to say, we've already decided in our mind what is the superior way to deal with our own child, and we seem to simply want to voice our concerns or decisions out loud. Even if we are asking for advice, we aren't really. We pretty much already know what were going to do. Talking about kids is not like talking about movies, the news or fun things to do around town. There is no room for variance of opinion or exchange or ideas. Your kid is yours and mine is mine. Yours eats peas and mine doesn't. Yours poohs in the tub and mine in the closet. What your kid did that melted your heart is not going to melt mine and vice versa. Two moms talking about their kids almost seem to be having separate conversations side-by-side. Okay, so it took me some time to figure this out, and I felt bad for some time that I didn't want to talk much or didn't really seem as enthused as I might look. And honestly, my friends probably don't think it's that funny that my kid says mocomotive instead of locomotive. (I laugh every time)

Okay, so you think I'm cold, BUT I have to add that I love my mom friends. I know we are just trying to be the best moms we can and sometimes when we are unsure of ourselves we tend to talk too much about pooh or lack of sleep. So here are some tricks I've come to use to liven up the conversation and keep the love flowing:

1. Don't judge.  Most teenagers sleep in their own beds, use the toilet, and no longer breast feed, so I guess most moms are doing a pretty good job, no matter how they do it. Not judging also means not gossiping with your spouse about other moms (and dads); "Can you believe they are feeding little Casper jellybeans and shrimp cocktails? OMG!" Seek to understand the whole story behind your friend's decisions and enjoy their own unique way of doing things.

2. Don't give advice. This is difficult to do. It occurred to me recently that even when a friend seems unsure, it's not a call for advice. A lot of people work out their ideas and decisions by talking out loud and having someone listen and aren't necessarily looking for advice or solutions. Even if they explicitly ask for your opinion or advice, don't be offended if they don't take it.

3. Bring non-kid conversation topics to the play date.  I know it's not always easy to do, especially if you are a stay-at-home mom like me and often feel disconnected from the outside world, BUT it's essential, PLUS it forces you to be less boring and make time for yourself.  Go see a movie, take a violin class, go on a date, anything that is kidless. If suddenly you find you've been talking about the trials and tribulations of potty training for too long, make a joke of it and move on to something else.
 
Another trick is to ask pre-kid questions like; tell me about the best trip you've even taken. I asked a neighbor dad this last question and he had the best story about being stranded in Mozambique, and watching Rambo in a good Samaritan's garage.

Sometimes after many, many play dates at the park or sitting around in a living room, conversations dry up. Another way to create new memories and to learn something new is to involve mommy friends in your projects. Baking, canning, sewing, crafting, whether it's a hobby or something you've wanted to learn, it's a perfect way to share time together!

4. Encourage one another. I remember bringing home my kid for the first time and in the sleepless months that followed, my mom repeated this to me. " You're doing a great job, honey. You're a great mom." It was the best thing to hear. It's really all I needed. We already KNOW how to be great moms, we just need to be encouraged sometimes, that's it. No advice. No comparison.  So next time a mommy friend is talking too much about their kid's tantrums, or their fear of the dishwasher, just say: "You're doing a great job. You're a good mom."




So to end this, here's something new (and kidless) I learned recently about ladies in the past. Cool eh? 

Succcessful Sewing, Hilarious Advice from Singer 1949

Since I started my sewing frenzy, I've had friends give me compliments while adding that they just never got into sewing and found it too difficult or frustrating. It seems to be a common feeling. While buying fleece at Ikea one day, one lady was telling her friend: "Oh, I wish I was good at sewing. My mom used to sew all our clothes. But I hate it, the machine always jams and I just get all frustrated!", "Me too! replied her friend. They looked at me, and I said enthusiastically, "I'm sewing for my son! It's a new revolution!"

My mom dropped off a Singer Sewing Book at my house this afternoon. It was published in 1949 and right there, in the first chapter, it's all explained. How to prepare, avoid frustration, late night swearing and tears.

Here are some excerpts which explain how to sew successfully. Read on carefully, my dear friends, you might give it another chance!

To Sew Successfully....

" Prepare yourself mentally for sewing. Think about what you are going to do. Approach the job with enthusiasm. You must want to make something lovely, to have the fun of putting pieces of fabric together, to make a garment, to handle the fabric with appreciation, to watch the beauty of the article grow as a result of your planning and effort. Never approach sewing with a sigh or lackadaisically. Good results are difficult when indifference predominate. Never try to sew with the sink full of dishes or bed unmade. When there are urgent housekeeping chores, do these first so that your mind is free to enjoy your sewing."

" Prepare physically. When you sew, make yourself as attractive as possible. Go through a beauty ritual of orderliness. Have on a clean dress. Be sure your hands are clean, fingernails smooth-a nail file and pumice will help. Always avoid hangnails. Have your hair in order, powder, and lipstick put on with care. Looking attractive is a very important part of sewing, because if you are making something for yourself, you will try it on at intervals in front of the mirror, and you can hope for better results when you look your best.

Again sewing must be approached with the idea that you are going to enjoy it, and if you are constantly fearful that a visitor will drop in or your husband will come home and you will not look neatly put together, you will not enjoy your sewing as your should. Therefore, "spruce up" at the beginning so that you are free to enjoy every part of any sewing you do."

Feminine as powder puff, ruffles are the essence of daintiness.

The Case of the Wet Towels

I have attended "New Mommy Groups" and have met new moms and their babies as well as received good advice from the nurses there about safety, nutrition, development etc... but what about the really important issues like;


The Case of the Wet Towels:

Finally baby is napping. I get to take that long awaited shower. Ah! the privacy, the hot, steaming water and fresh soap smell! What bliss! And as I bring a towel to my face, Bam! The stink of rotten, moldy bacteria fills my nose. All the towels are still damp and moldy.

Solution:

1. Wipe myself down with a moldy, damp towel, effectively canceling out all the bliss of the shower.
2. Wipe myself down with the small, dry, dirty hand towel.
3. Silently blame beloved husband for not putting the towels in the dryer which seems to be the only way to prevent this moldy issue.

No one tells you at the new mommy group why this becomes such a big issue, why I want to cry over these wet towels, why talking to my beloved husband about it makes it seems like a much bigger deal than it should be. Like, come on, wet towels?  
Not the end of the world, right? But it feels like it is!

My good friend Carolina, who has 3 lovely daughters, listened to my plea, and reassured me that I wasn't crazy for crying about wet towels and that as a new mom, sometimes things like that can really put a damper (no pun intended) on your day. And it's okay to cry over it! And it's okay to lose your cool!

So lessons learned:

1. When you need advice don't ask the newbies, ask those with experience! Thanks Carolina for making me laugh about it all!
2. When you need dry towels, think of solution that works and just ask again nicely. Thanks, my beloved husband, for being on board with me!