Being a Better Mommy Friend

I'm learning to be a better friend to my mom friends. Recently I noticed that my mind seems to shut off when my mom friends talk about their kids and I felt bad about it. Then it occurred to me that it is because when, us, moms talk about our kids we are not really interested in hearing about what anyone else has to say, we've already decided in our mind what is the superior way to deal with our own child, and we seem to simply want to voice our concerns or decisions out loud. Even if we are asking for advice, we aren't really. We pretty much already know what were going to do. Talking about kids is not like talking about movies, the news or fun things to do around town. There is no room for variance of opinion or exchange or ideas. Your kid is yours and mine is mine. Yours eats peas and mine doesn't. Yours poohs in the tub and mine in the closet. What your kid did that melted your heart is not going to melt mine and vice versa. Two moms talking about their kids almost seem to be having separate conversations side-by-side. Okay, so it took me some time to figure this out, and I felt bad for some time that I didn't want to talk much or didn't really seem as enthused as I might look. And honestly, my friends probably don't think it's that funny that my kid says mocomotive instead of locomotive. (I laugh every time)

Okay, so you think I'm cold, BUT I have to add that I love my mom friends. I know we are just trying to be the best moms we can and sometimes when we are unsure of ourselves we tend to talk too much about pooh or lack of sleep. So here are some tricks I've come to use to liven up the conversation and keep the love flowing:

1. Don't judge.  Most teenagers sleep in their own beds, use the toilet, and no longer breast feed, so I guess most moms are doing a pretty good job, no matter how they do it. Not judging also means not gossiping with your spouse about other moms (and dads); "Can you believe they are feeding little Casper jellybeans and shrimp cocktails? OMG!" Seek to understand the whole story behind your friend's decisions and enjoy their own unique way of doing things.

2. Don't give advice. This is difficult to do. It occurred to me recently that even when a friend seems unsure, it's not a call for advice. A lot of people work out their ideas and decisions by talking out loud and having someone listen and aren't necessarily looking for advice or solutions. Even if they explicitly ask for your opinion or advice, don't be offended if they don't take it.

3. Bring non-kid conversation topics to the play date.  I know it's not always easy to do, especially if you are a stay-at-home mom like me and often feel disconnected from the outside world, BUT it's essential, PLUS it forces you to be less boring and make time for yourself.  Go see a movie, take a violin class, go on a date, anything that is kidless. If suddenly you find you've been talking about the trials and tribulations of potty training for too long, make a joke of it and move on to something else.
 
Another trick is to ask pre-kid questions like; tell me about the best trip you've even taken. I asked a neighbor dad this last question and he had the best story about being stranded in Mozambique, and watching Rambo in a good Samaritan's garage.

Sometimes after many, many play dates at the park or sitting around in a living room, conversations dry up. Another way to create new memories and to learn something new is to involve mommy friends in your projects. Baking, canning, sewing, crafting, whether it's a hobby or something you've wanted to learn, it's a perfect way to share time together!

4. Encourage one another. I remember bringing home my kid for the first time and in the sleepless months that followed, my mom repeated this to me. " You're doing a great job, honey. You're a great mom." It was the best thing to hear. It's really all I needed. We already KNOW how to be great moms, we just need to be encouraged sometimes, that's it. No advice. No comparison.  So next time a mommy friend is talking too much about their kid's tantrums, or their fear of the dishwasher, just say: "You're doing a great job. You're a good mom."




So to end this, here's something new (and kidless) I learned recently about ladies in the past. Cool eh? 

Living Your Values

Puppet show on the drive to Rio de Janeiro

It's been just over 2 years since my son was born and I've been a stay-at-home mom. People ask me all the time when I'll be going back to work, like staying at home couldn't possibly satisfy me completely. The thing is, I'm really good at being a stay-at-home mom. I am infinitely blessed that our slightly tight budget still allows me to take this fabulous unpaid job.  It's by far the most emotionally and physically demanding job I've ever had, but less stressful and free of office politics and mean gossip.  It utilizes many of my strengths and incorporates my values.

Years ago I wrote a list of activities that I enjoyed as my younger self like doing art and making forts. (see list below) Then I wrote out the reasons why I liked doing those activities. Certain words kept popping up, indicating my values.

• Being creative
• Being with people
• Learning and doing something new
• Fun
• Adventure
• Being thrifty 
• Moving my body and being outside

These values define who I am and have not changed since my childhood. As a stay-at-home mom, I am constantly using my creativity and my sense of fun and adventure to entertain, care, invent, imagine, feed, teach, and love my family. Would I be as happy as a stay-at-home mom is my values were expertise, travel, career advancement, or making money? Maybe, but it seems to me that I'm suited for this job, even if the hours are long. When am I going back to work? What do you mean? I am at work! and it suits me!

If you're interested in rediscovering some of your values, take a look at what I wrote below to get started. If you often have urges to run away to a tropical island to write a book or sell all your belongings to travel the world, it's usually because you're not able to incorporate your values in your life enough. I once had a cubicle job alone in a box with a computer. Every day I would cry all the way to work. 4 months later, I quit. None of my values were being met.

Take a quiet moment and have fun discovering yours!

Childhood

Drawing and Painting, Arts and Crafts:

I like colors.

I can give it away to someone and they are happy.

I made something nice that didn’t exist before.

It looks nice. Sometimes it tells a funny story.

I can be creative. It’s attractive.

I’m away from my own thoughts

Playing with my Barbie:

I make costumes for her out of remnants.

I like to comb her hair in different ways.

I play pretend that she has adventures and she meets Ken.

I can play Barbie with my friends and we invent scenarios together.

It’s creative. It’s playful and fun.

Hanging out with mom:

We cook together

We sew clothes for the summer

We go to Madame Pas Cher and pick out clothes

We sing songs

We have arts and crafts projects and I give them to Jim

We prepare for Holidays together

We go outside and play

It’s fun. We are creative together. There’s a sense of adventure.

Making forts

We use our imagination and build cool towers and tunnels

Making the fort is more interesting than the end product

We invent stories about our fort

We build something new.

Playing Lego

We use our imagination to build cool things

We can take it apart and start over.

Every project turns out different.

Playing games

We can play board games and have fun

We make up our own games and rules and then try out different ways to make the game more fun.

It’s fun. We are creative together.

Camping

We can be outside and enjoy nature

We learn new sports like canoeing and skiing

We can swim and eat yummy food

We sing songs and make a fire

We learn new things

I move my body. I am in nature. I’m learning.

Spending time at my cousins

We have fun building forts

We invent games to play

We swim in the pool and ride our bikes

We are outside and the weather is nice

My aunts and uncles are funny and nice and cook yummy food for us

It’s so much fun. I feel part of a group.

Visiting Grandmaman and Grandpapa

We get to travel

We visit them and they are so nice

We eat food we don’t normally get to eat

Grandmaman lets me help with her cooking

She gives me presents.

She makes me something that she knitted that I can wear.

I like to go in the garage and look at the hand prints on the walls, I’m scared that the floor will fall through. There’s lots of junk up there and it’s like a treasure.

I like the smell of the town and of the house.

During the holidays, the whole family is there and we sing songs, play games and exchange presents. Everybody is happy.

It’s an adventure. I feel loved.

Adolescence

Sewing

I can create something cool

My friends praise my talent

I look different than everybody else

It’s like a puzzle and I can use different fabrics

I feel pretty in what I make

I can do this with a friend and it’s fun

Photography

I can walk around outside and see things in a different way

I can’t tell how anything will come out until I develop it

I like to experiment in the dark room

Ceramics

I like to play with dirt

It’s creative and I have to concentrate to make it look good.

Something useful comes out in the end

I can be creative, it’s visually attractive. It’s useful.

Halloween

I start thinking about it early and think of all the options

I try to think of a cheap and creative way to make a fantastic costume

I like search around for the materials and putting it all together

I can sew, glue, and draw

I get praise from others when I’m done and I feel proud

It’s fun

I can pretend I am someone else

I can be creative, it’s visually attractive. It’s fun.

Travel

I like to go to new places with friends

It’s fun to organize what we will need to make the trip a success

We can be outside

We can meet new people

We can get to know each other better

We can try new things, like food, activities, sports

We can see new things, nature, cities, architecture

I like to go to thrift stores when I’m traveling

I like to plan fun things to do during our travel, like games and contests

I can be with my friends

I can be free of work and just enjoy

I can go camping

Anticipating something new. Looking for something worth the money. Seeing new things every day. Spending time with others.

Playing Sports

I feel good when I exercise

It’s fun to be with friends

It feels good when we win

I like to go different places to play

I like to learn new sports and get better and better at them

Being part of a group. Moving my body. Feeling alive.

Thrift Stores

I never know what I’m going to find

I have an eye for unusual things

I like to buy cool things and have them in my house

I feel good because I got a good deal and I saved something from the dumpster

I think older things are often more interesting than new things

I like to have different things in my home and people come over and look at them and are interested in them

Sense of adventure. Looking for something unique. Reusing. Like a treasure.

Making Gifts for Others

I like to find interesting things to make gifts with

I like to use my sense of design to make something attractive

I like to use paper and fabric

I built pillows, journals, bed spreads, paintings, painted boxes and suitcases

Every project is different

I like to give to others

I like wrapping gifts creatively

Creative, I can use lots of different materials. I like to give away what I make.

Young Adulthood

Traveling

Planning and reading about new places to go

Driving and not knowing what comes around the bend

Seeing beautiful nature

Meeting new people and seeing how they live their life

Eating new food

Learning new things everyday

Relaxing

Having fun trying new things everyday

Telling others about where I’ve been

Sharing the experience with someone else

Planning and keeping track of the budget

Swimming, camping, hiking

Exploring all the options

Sense of adventure

Looking at new people and things. Looking at scenery, architecture. Listening to new sounds and eating new things. Appreciating nature. Feeling free and without stress.

Hosting Parties

Planning ahead of time an interesting theme

Making decorations and costumes

Planning the food and cooking

Drinking and socializing

Preparing games or playing board games

Making people feel comfortable and happy. Entertaining them.

Taking Classes

Learning something new

Meeting new people

Doing something creative, design, writing, projects, presentations

Being resourceful

Sharing my knowledge with others

Learning something new.

Decorating

Going to thrift stores and decorating my house in different ways

Rearranging furniture

Painting

Sewing cushions and curtains

Making art to go on the walls

Having people over to enjoy a nice meal

Going to garage sales to find what I need

Creative. Thrifty. Color. Texture. Mood.

Imagining myself else where

Teaching

Finding ways to make things fun and instructive at the same time

Laughing

Meeting new people and learning new things from them

Developing curriculum

Being in front of people

Performing

Inventing games and ice-breakers

Leading by example

Generating hope

Helping others

Helping others, sense of accomplishment when someone gets it. Fun

Surprising Others

Collecting interesting data about the world to surprise others

Learning a magic trick

Finding interesting products on the market and buying them as a gift

Making homemade gifts for others

Telling funny jokes

Making people feel good. Smile. Using my creativity.