Being a Better Mommy Friend

I'm learning to be a better friend to my mom friends. Recently I noticed that my mind seems to shut off when my mom friends talk about their kids and I felt bad about it. Then it occurred to me that it is because when, us, moms talk about our kids we are not really interested in hearing about what anyone else has to say, we've already decided in our mind what is the superior way to deal with our own child, and we seem to simply want to voice our concerns or decisions out loud. Even if we are asking for advice, we aren't really. We pretty much already know what were going to do. Talking about kids is not like talking about movies, the news or fun things to do around town. There is no room for variance of opinion or exchange or ideas. Your kid is yours and mine is mine. Yours eats peas and mine doesn't. Yours poohs in the tub and mine in the closet. What your kid did that melted your heart is not going to melt mine and vice versa. Two moms talking about their kids almost seem to be having separate conversations side-by-side. Okay, so it took me some time to figure this out, and I felt bad for some time that I didn't want to talk much or didn't really seem as enthused as I might look. And honestly, my friends probably don't think it's that funny that my kid says mocomotive instead of locomotive. (I laugh every time)

Okay, so you think I'm cold, BUT I have to add that I love my mom friends. I know we are just trying to be the best moms we can and sometimes when we are unsure of ourselves we tend to talk too much about pooh or lack of sleep. So here are some tricks I've come to use to liven up the conversation and keep the love flowing:

1. Don't judge.  Most teenagers sleep in their own beds, use the toilet, and no longer breast feed, so I guess most moms are doing a pretty good job, no matter how they do it. Not judging also means not gossiping with your spouse about other moms (and dads); "Can you believe they are feeding little Casper jellybeans and shrimp cocktails? OMG!" Seek to understand the whole story behind your friend's decisions and enjoy their own unique way of doing things.

2. Don't give advice. This is difficult to do. It occurred to me recently that even when a friend seems unsure, it's not a call for advice. A lot of people work out their ideas and decisions by talking out loud and having someone listen and aren't necessarily looking for advice or solutions. Even if they explicitly ask for your opinion or advice, don't be offended if they don't take it.

3. Bring non-kid conversation topics to the play date.  I know it's not always easy to do, especially if you are a stay-at-home mom like me and often feel disconnected from the outside world, BUT it's essential, PLUS it forces you to be less boring and make time for yourself.  Go see a movie, take a violin class, go on a date, anything that is kidless. If suddenly you find you've been talking about the trials and tribulations of potty training for too long, make a joke of it and move on to something else.
 
Another trick is to ask pre-kid questions like; tell me about the best trip you've even taken. I asked a neighbor dad this last question and he had the best story about being stranded in Mozambique, and watching Rambo in a good Samaritan's garage.

Sometimes after many, many play dates at the park or sitting around in a living room, conversations dry up. Another way to create new memories and to learn something new is to involve mommy friends in your projects. Baking, canning, sewing, crafting, whether it's a hobby or something you've wanted to learn, it's a perfect way to share time together!

4. Encourage one another. I remember bringing home my kid for the first time and in the sleepless months that followed, my mom repeated this to me. " You're doing a great job, honey. You're a great mom." It was the best thing to hear. It's really all I needed. We already KNOW how to be great moms, we just need to be encouraged sometimes, that's it. No advice. No comparison.  So next time a mommy friend is talking too much about their kid's tantrums, or their fear of the dishwasher, just say: "You're doing a great job. You're a good mom."




So to end this, here's something new (and kidless) I learned recently about ladies in the past. Cool eh? 

Thanks for Bossing Me Around Kid

So, what's with the sudden impulse I've had to simplify and purge for last few weeks? I was having a little venting session with my neighbor, a mother of two, you know, not so much venting that it wrecks the rest of your day, but just enough to make you feel like you're not alone. She said that when her daughter was about the same age as my kid, she went through a major purging frenzy too. So like the kid would say: what's that mommy?

With a simple click on the internet, you can easily find out at what developmental stage your kid is at. You might read something like: at this age, your child is now obsessed with snaps and zippers. But what about mothers? There's nothing like: at this stage, you'll want to throw out everything you own for no apparent reason. So what's that all about?

I've been mulling over this while packing bags for the goodwill, and I think I've figured it out. It's about control. Theorists have labelled the period between 2 1/2 and 3 years old, one of disequilibrium, where children are confused, emotional, temperamental and have trouble completing tasks. Words that come to mind are: bossy, rigid, demanding, and temperamental. So what does this mommy do? As my kid becomes more and more rigid and demanding, I transfer my sense of control to the things in my home. My junk will not whine, change their mind, yell, or tell me what to do. I can just kick it to the curb! (Not that I want to do that with my kid, but you get the picture.)

clearing the barn

Revelations are always good for the soul. Does it mean that I'm unpacking my goodwill bags? No way. Inadvertently, my kid has taught me that it's good to have space; space to place things I really love, space to play, space to spend time together and space to recover.

Less plants to water, less baskets of knickknacks to fish around in, less toys to put away, less clothes to wash, less papers to deal with, less things to carry, easier surfaces to wipe= more time and more peace. Give me some of that.

Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt.


Oh look, do we really need this chair? Let's get rid of it!