Slow on the Ball?

School is in again. We hear the bell from the elementary school up the street, and when the kid hears it, he always says: Dinner time! It's funny.  Even if you're not in school or have kids in school, you still notice it; there are parents doing hurried maneuvers in their cars to get their kids in on time, there are more students crowding the buses and spacing out with their phones, suddenly teenagers resurface and loiter casually in the parks, and community centers start their new programming. There's a burst of energy all around.

I missed the "did you sign your kid up for some classes?" frenzy. Oh, well. I was a bit slow on the ball on that one. Didn't get online at exactly 9am when the swimming registration opened, didn't stand in line in June to get in the September gymnastics classes, didn't remember my password to sign in for music classes.... Poor kid. I'm not sure if it was laziness or just sincere denial that fall was upon us. I think it might be partly rebellion...

It reminds me of when I was pregnant and everyone made a point of asking me if I had put the kid's name down on some daycare list and shockingly looking at me when I said I hadn't as if I had already failed at being a good parent. You know, the kind of parent that thinks years ahead and stands in a snow storm to get on the list of the "super-supremo daycare" to win brownie points with the peers. "Oh yes, we got in because we put junior's name down for  "Little Lucky Rainbow Teddy Bear Daycare" the day after conception. I got up at 5am with my positive pee-stick in my pocket to be the first at the door. Thank goodness, because, where else can you find an all-wood toy, child-centered, organic snack, multi-lingual daycare with caregivers who are not only professional musicians and singers, but also sew all the uniforms by hand with organic bamboo grown in the daycare garden.? And all for only $4000 a month?"

Am I missing the point? Am I supposed "fight" for my kid's "education"? Is it just a fact of life these days? Maybe it is. My mom told me that when I was a kid, she would get up early on registration day to get to the community center and sign me up for swimming lessons. So maybe this is not new. I wonder if we, the parents, are in a hurry to see our kids learn new things, partly because it's so much fun, but also because it feels good to be proud of our kid when they accomplish something new. I can't tell you how impressed I was to see my two year old crack eggs without any shell bits falling in the bowl, but does it mean I need to sign him up for cooking classes? If I don't sign him up for any classes, does that make me a bad mom? Am I not maximizing his learning potential? I don't know. I did, however, remember to renew our membership to the Aquarium. So at least there will be snack time with the baby-lugas. (belugas)

a first day of school with my brother

Simplicity Parenting- Filtering Out the Adult World

Okay, last section of Simplicity Parenting. It begins with a mother who is asked to use one word to describe motherhood to which she replies: worry. Wow, I was surprised to read that. I would have chosen love or joy, but I get it, worry and parenting seem interlocked, but it shouldn't define the entire experience! It continues to talk about filters parents can create to prevent kids from being exposed to adult information, fears, worries, stresses, concerns and also drives and ambitions.

First filter: Saying "No thanks" to television and screens. To mention all the findings that support turning off screens would take an entire other blog, so I won't go on about it, but one quote stands out: " By the time the average person reaches age seventy, he or she, will have spent the equivalent of seven to ten years watching television." Imagine, if you could take those 10 years and travel, or learn to play a musical instrument, or write a book, or spend with time with loved ones instead of watching tv?

I can see already, with my kids' natural inclination toward rhythm and repetition, that what started as watching "Caillou" every once in a while, has turned into a daily thing. I also have to remind him every day, that "Caillou" only comes after nap, and no, you may not watch it in the mornings. (He remembers the one morning I let him watch it while cutting his hair.) I hear friends with toddlers complain about it, about how annoying Dora's voice is or how the tantrums can be measured on the Richter scale when it's time to turn it off. One friend tried to tell her 4 year old that he could only watch t.v. on the weekends. Every morning, he pestered her: "Is it the weekend today? I just don't know many parents who rave about the benefits of television, or at least they are keeping quiet about how relieved they are to have it on when they need to shower, cook dinner, etc... I've also noticed some parents that say: "Oh, my kid doesn't watch television", while handing them their cell phone to play games.  I've been known to put on Sesame Street on the computer, although Elmo has been banned for a while now. It didn't take long to realize that it's only just a smaller screen. So, no matter what are views are on allowing screen time for our kids, we can probably agree that less is better.

A new mother recently visited me with her toddler for a play date. She proceeded to tell me about how sad she was when she heard about a mother and child that had been shot during the Colorado shootings. She couldn't help but tear up. I got the goosebumps. Our kids were playing around us. I hadn't heard about the shooting because I don't watch the news anymore and immediately remembered about filtering out the adult world. This clearly illustrated how television and the media can affect us, and how our kids, while seemingly unable to understand, do absorb on some level the stress it causes us. This example doesn't help to illustrate the next reminder in the book, that the world is safe, that there are not more kidnapping than when we were kids, and that children need to know that they are living in a good world with a future full of promises, but it's true. We, as parents, need to find ways to enjoy the times with live in so that we can breath and land the helicopter.

Second Filter: Have adult conversation when children are away. This is harder that I thought and something that I think will take time to get used to. It doesn't take years of scientific studies to know that conversations about let's say... your sister's divorce, a car accident on Knight Street, the flooding highway, not having enough money, or stress about losing a job create strong emotions, and that children feed off their parents' emotions. Stressful relationships too can have a strong influence on your kids too and honestly I've struggled at times with friendships that "drained me" and have had let them go. I also try my best to have "venting sessions" with my girlfriends over brunch while the kid is playing with his dad.

Third Filter: Talking less. Not every moment is a teachable moment. It's not necessary to explain photosynthesis every time your kid picks up a leaf. Keep quiet. Listen. You might hear: "Look mom, it's a boat!" This applies to any care giver I think. I recently met with parents who were raving about their daycare saying how wonderful it was when their 3 1/2 year old came home and explained about tectonic plates and earthquakes. What the ****? It is also suggested to talk less with children under nine about their emotions, which is something new to me. Emotional intelligence is vital for life, but cannot be rushed. When we push our kids towards awareness they don't have yet, we actually transpose our own emotions which overwhelms them. It benefits a child much more to simply listen as they become aware of their emotions and share them than to take their "emotional temperature" constantly by asking questions such as, are you okay, honey? Do you feel jealous of your sister? Is that why are angry? Sounds like a bit of hovering to me.... Finally, a good rule of thumb that reduces talking is to remind yourself: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Fourth Filter: Stop hovering and back off! This includes letting the under-involved parent step up without hovering over by the over-involved parent. You know who you are. Step back and observe, let your child come to you.

Finally, the main goal is to provide a safe base camp for your kid like a little bird's nest, a cozy tent, a warm blanket, or a parent's hug so that when "things happen" these things feel less threatening.

So that's it! I hope you've enjoyed the information I've extracted so far from this book and my comments. You can visit the Simplicity Parenting website for other resources or put your name on the list at the library. Speaking of which, it's probably due! There will probably be more parenting books to come as the kid grows up and I find myself looking for solutions, but I think that this one is a good one to start with. A simple and doable plan. One toy at a time, one less word at a time, one less "Caillou" at a time...

Simplicity Parenting-Schedules

You might guess what this section of Simplicity Parenting is all about when you read the title. "Over-scheduled kids" is not really news and it's been discussed since the '80's when David Elkind suggested in his book, The Hurried Child, that busy parents might be pushing their kids toward adulthood too quickly.

So what's the difference between 30 years ago and now? Apparently, in the 80's, kids had 40% of their day for free time after school, eating, sleeping and homework. By the late 90's that free time had dropped to 25%. Parents have felt unfairly blamed by these findings, and I can see why when other findings show that on average elementary kids spend 1hour and 20 minutes a night on homework. Um....Being a kid of the '80s, I do remember spending a ton of time playing with my friends and my brother. We were only allowed 1/2 day of tv a day and 1 hour on Saturdays for cartoons. There were no computers, cell phones, or video games. There was a ton of crafts, fort building, snow tunnels, cardboard boxes, dolls, Lego, biking, and swimming. I do remember doing scheduled activities, but I don't remember doing more than one activity a time.

Even though my son is only two, I have noticed a gentle "push" from other moms to join in on scheduled classes: music, art, yoga, gymnastics, soccer, swimming, etc...but just as it is advocated in this chapter, balance is key. Plus, I refuse to spend $20 a pop for a kid's yoga class. We do our own bending for free. Another thing I've noticed is the proliferation of private "tutoring" businesses around the city, especially on the west side. Is it an Asian value that has been transferred here by the Tiger Moms? Are other parents catching the feline flu and wanting their kids to be concert pianists by the age of 4 while reciting the names of the capital cities in alphabetical order while playing chess? Is that what kids need to survive the future? Man, better run out and get Baby Einstein cue cards today, just in case! (sarcasm inserted here)

I have read a lot about "Tiger Moms",  and "Snow Plow Parents" (parents who clear every obstacle in their kids' way).  The Globe and Mail ran recently posted a parenting article titled: Are our pampered kids under too much pressure? which supports that over-scheduling children in an effort to give them an "edge" for the future simply backfires as relentlessly pushed and overloaded kids today are depressed, anxious, and experiencing psychosomatic disorders.

One example quoted in the article is from a book, Teaching Your Children Well,  which I thought was really interesting. When parents were asked what they thought success for their kids was, they answered; for them to be happy, well-adjusted, responsible etc... When their kids were asked what their success is, they stated: making a lot of money. Very telling, no?

According to Simplicity Parenting, interesting results from having more unscheduled/down time are that...

• It gives kids the ability to direct themselves, "enjoy" the feeling of boredom, and to find ways to fill their own time. 
• It allows kids to grow "roots" so that they feel strong when they are engaged in scheduled activity.
• It allows kids to be bored, which is a precursor to creativity.

Also interesting is that:

• Ordinary days allow the sensational days to shine, renews his your kid's a sense of anticipation and in turn, builds character.
• The messiness of free play with many changes, active problem solving and empathy for others gives kids inner flexibility.
• General, free physical play strengthens skills for organized sports.

So overall, I am reminded by this chapter, that it's okay to have ordinary days, that the kid needs to feel bored at times, and the "edge" I can pass on to my kid is the gift of lifelong balance and the importance of downtime. I am excited to see the world all over again through my kid's eyes, just like the other day when he realized that he could eat the ice cream and the cone too, but I am reminded, all in good time, all in good time....

Future soccer player?

Simplicity Parenting-Rhythm

I've been reading and writing about Simplicity Parenting and some of the interesting information I've found. Here are tidbits about chapter two: Rhythm. The author stresses that the busier we are, the more important predictability and rhythm is to our kids. It becomes the most powerful way to simplify their life. What does rhythm and predictability mean? It should feel like this: "This is what we do on a school day morning....", " Before we leave the house we...", "When I get home, I...", "When mom and dad start dinner, I...", "Before bed, we....", "The thing I love about Saturday mornings is..."," On Sundays we...", "When one of us is sick, we always...", "A special thing we do for someone's birthday is...."

Other suggestions for creating rhythm and predictability:

2. Previewing the next day with your child allows them to look for predictable markers in their day and to know what to expect. (Especially if the day is different than the usual routine.) I'm not sure I agree on this point; I recently made the mistake of telling my son at 8 in the morning, as we were heading out on a vacation, that we would be going on a boat. For the next 6 hours all we heard is the kid demanding from his seat in the car: " I wanna go on the boat!" over and over and over and over... Imagine if I had told him the day before....

3. One of the simplest form of predictability in daily life is politeness. This was surprising to me; that politeness can serve as mini-predictability posts throughout the day. Kids come to expect thank you's and you're welcomes and often point it out if you forget!  Oops!

4. Using simple songs with toddlers when doing daily activities such as teeth brushing or hand-washing help ritualize the activity, thus increasing predictability. "Cleam-up (sic) Cleam-up, it's time to Cleam-up," sings my kid happily likes it's just as much fun to cleam up that do mess up. There's a reminder mom, when you want to throw all the toys on the floor out the window!)

5. Food should be simplified just like toys and books; it is meant to nourish, not entertain or excite. (It's hard not to get excited about ice cream, though... )

6. Three or four quiet moments scheduled moments in your day allows kids to release stress and to sleep better at night. Naps, reading, a moment of silence at dinner,  deep play, lighting a candle, and cuddling are all good ways to chill-out and release pressure. (Boy, do I need to remind myself that this is vital to the parents too...I'm super guilty of using nap time to "catch up" on chores.

Once I heard this on a TED talk which I think illustrates this chapter really well.

Imagine you are exploring Paris for the first time. You're seeing a ton of new things, you're eating new foods, hearing new languages, walking a lot, getting lost and finding your way. Everything is exciting and you can't seem to soak it all in as much as you would like. As you arrive at your hotel room, you fall into bed in total exhaustion only to find that you can't fall asleep, re-living all the wonderful things you did that day. Now, do it again the next day, but first drink 3 cups of expresso. THAT's what toddlers live everyday.


Even when we travel, we create routines, some predictability and moments to be calm. We might make a point to always get back to the hotel for lunch, or carry a map, to bring snacks from home or have coffee at the same coffee shop every morning. So it only makes sense that we should create this rhythm for our kids too, so that they can enjoy all the excitement of the day, knowing some of the things that comes next and that there will be times to rest.

I think we've done well in establishing rhythm and predictability in our daily family life, especially when after dinner the kid says: "It's almost dodo (sleep) time, but first, a little bit play time! Ah, ah, ah!

mandatory goofy time

Simplicity Parenting-Environment

For fear of this post turning into a book report, I would like to share some of the key information in Simplicity Parenting that stood out for me without going on about it at length, right? Keeping it simple. Why? In case some of you are still operating on a few hours of sleep a night or already captivated by good bedside reading.

In the introduction, the author, Kim John Payne, praises simplicity and simplifying life for kids. No one can deny that our world often feels packed with too much stuff, too many choices and not enough time; I've certainly raced in my car to get coffee, disappointed that they didn't have my usual brand and overwhelmed by the choice of beans: organic or not, 12oz for $13.99 or 14oz for $14.99, fairtrade, ethical or not, locally or faraway brewed, super yummy, yummy or drinkable.....argh! So what about kids? What's the kid version of my coffee dilemma? How can we, as parents, offer a safe place to just be kids, away from the hyperspeed of daily life, a way for kids to be free and to discover their individuality?

Environment is the first section of the book which offers tips on reducing toys, clutter and books, as well as sounds, smells and light. Here are some points collected from this section which I thought were interesting:

1.  The average child has 150 toys.
2.  Pester-power usually wins. That's why marketers have increased advertising dollars from $100 million in 1983 to $16 billion in 2009.
3.  A smaller quantity of toys invites deeper play and engagement. An avalanche of toys creates emotional disconnect and a sense of overwhelm.

So, TOYS, to chuck or not to chuck? (Or give to goodwill) Start with this list and chuck:

1. Broken toys.
2. Developmentally inappropriate toys.
3. Conceptually "fixed" toys; toys based on characters from movies, comic books or tv which leads to wanting "more of that series".
4. Toys that "do too much" and break too easily; "do too much" meaning that don't lead to imagination. (Usually toys with lots of buttons)
5. Very high simulation toys: toys with flashing lights, mechanical voices, speed, sound effects intended to "excite" and "stimulate" kids.
6. Annoying or offensive toys: I admit we have a few of these I still haven't been able to tune out.
7. Toys that claim to give a developmental edge. Play is not a race. It is not an advancement opportunity.
8. Pester-Power toys you succumbed to.
9. Toys that inspire and glorify violence.
10. Toy multiples. (oh, boy, this one is tough. The kid loves his cars and trucks.)

What's left? You'd be surprised that a manageable amount of well-made, attractive, "quieter" toys invites imaginary play and encourages kids to create new worlds and new ways to play without having to replenish the pile so frequently.

And BOOKS, how many is too many? Books can follow the same rules as toys. The suggested amount is to offer 1-2 accessible books for children under 8-9 years old. REALLY? This one was hard to accept given my love of the library, but considering that the kid usually only wants to read 1-2 books over and over, I think the author might onto something....

CLOTHES too must be simplified. This is something I think I've finally managed to tame and I can't tell you how easy it is now to get the kid dressed; I've whittled it down to 4 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of shorts, 2 long sleeve tops, 5 t-shirts, 1 swimsuit, 3 pyjamas, a coat, 2 sweaters, 1 pair of shoes, 1 pair of rubber boots and a handful of socks. Goodbye to pulling out a pair of pants and triggering an avalanche of other pants. As the author states, clothes only need to say one thing: "I'm comfortable and ready to play!"

Reducing artificial SMELLS (a.k.a chemicals), in the home such as air fresheners, scented candles, perfumes, and cleaning products allow mom and dad's natural smell to linger and to create a sense of safety. This part was easy for me since I'm not big on " Ocean Breeze" and "Hawaiian Dew".

LIGHT also plays a big part of a child's environment. Reducing bright or fluorescent light as well as the glow of tv and computer screens quiets the mind and slows the body. My kid loves sunshine. Sunshine! he yells enthusiastically as he looks out the window. (Some months of the year, I yell the same thing in disbelief) He also loves darkness, he calls it "NOIR", not to mention his obsession with "fooas", his word for flames. We light a candle to entice him to take a bath on most nights.

I've been on this "simplicity" kick for a few months now, and I had started to purge our home of unnecessary clutter, and already cleared most of the kid's toys and clothes, so I was happy to read that my plan had a significant impact on the well being of my kid. I probably could get my hands on a few more toy cars..

The next sections in the book talk about rhythm and schedules which I will review in a later post. For now, I am completely thrilled to watch my kid prepare "shakes" with a coffee container, toy cups and block kiwis.

Thanks for Bossing Me Around Kid

So, what's with the sudden impulse I've had to simplify and purge for last few weeks? I was having a little venting session with my neighbor, a mother of two, you know, not so much venting that it wrecks the rest of your day, but just enough to make you feel like you're not alone. She said that when her daughter was about the same age as my kid, she went through a major purging frenzy too. So like the kid would say: what's that mommy?

With a simple click on the internet, you can easily find out at what developmental stage your kid is at. You might read something like: at this age, your child is now obsessed with snaps and zippers. But what about mothers? There's nothing like: at this stage, you'll want to throw out everything you own for no apparent reason. So what's that all about?

I've been mulling over this while packing bags for the goodwill, and I think I've figured it out. It's about control. Theorists have labelled the period between 2 1/2 and 3 years old, one of disequilibrium, where children are confused, emotional, temperamental and have trouble completing tasks. Words that come to mind are: bossy, rigid, demanding, and temperamental. So what does this mommy do? As my kid becomes more and more rigid and demanding, I transfer my sense of control to the things in my home. My junk will not whine, change their mind, yell, or tell me what to do. I can just kick it to the curb! (Not that I want to do that with my kid, but you get the picture.)

clearing the barn

Revelations are always good for the soul. Does it mean that I'm unpacking my goodwill bags? No way. Inadvertently, my kid has taught me that it's good to have space; space to place things I really love, space to play, space to spend time together and space to recover.

Less plants to water, less baskets of knickknacks to fish around in, less toys to put away, less clothes to wash, less papers to deal with, less things to carry, easier surfaces to wipe= more time and more peace. Give me some of that.

Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt. Mommy, I want yogurt.


Oh look, do we really need this chair? Let's get rid of it!

En Francais, oh la la!

I'm having trouble beginning this post, mostly because what I'm trying to share is not easy to describe without getting all academic. I recently attended a workshop with other French speaking parents about language and identity where questions were posed which I've listed below. Most brought up strong emotions for me.

1. En reflechissant a vos experiences passees racontez-moi ou vous viviez dans un espace francophone qui vous permettait, a vous, votre famille, vos amis, vos enfants, vos collegues, vos voisins,... de vous epanouir, de creer des liens entre vous et de construire votre identite en tant que personne. Ou etiez vous? Qu'est-ce qui se passait? Comment decririez-vous cet espace francophone? Qu'est-ce qui le distinguait? Qui a joue un role dans la creation de cet espace francophone et comment?
2. Parlez moi d'une personne, dans votre millieu francophone, qui a eu un grand impact sur vous et sur ce que vous etes devenu comme personne?
3. Comment, en tant que parent, pourriez-vous devenir un modele d'appui a la francophonie pour votre enfant?
4. Quels gestes posez-vous pour vous enraciner, comme francophone en Colombie-Britannique? Quels gestes posez-vous pour vous deraciner?

• Think back in your life and tell me about a time when you lived in a French "space" which allowed you, your family, your friends, your children  your collegues your neighbors, to really be yourself, to create bonds with each other and to build your identity as the person you are now. Where were you? What was going on? How would you describe this "space"? What was special about it? Who played a role in the creation of this "space" and how?
• Tell me about a person in your French community, who had a significant impact on you and on becoming who you are as a person.
• How, as a parent could you become a "French-speaking" model for your child?
• What actions do you take to strengthen your French roots while living in BC? Which actions do you take which do not?

After some contemplation and in a nut shell:

• Speaking French and being with others who do too is part of who I am.
• It was something that shaped me as a person. It allowed me to experience unique things.
• I may be completely immersed in an English community now, but it can't be erased.
• There's a part of me that identifies with the Anglo-slightly spiced Asian feel of Vancouver, but I crave the comfort and "joie-de-vivre" of French speaking culture.
• Letting French go, is like letting myself go. (In the getting lazy-fat way, not the freedom way.)
• It's important to me to reconnect with my French identity and to share it with my son.
• It's a connection to his ancestors and his roots which needs to be nurtured.

So what do I do so far to live as a French speaker now?

• I listen to Espace Musique every day on CBC.
• I borrow books and magazines in French from the library.
• I speak about %60 of the time to my son in French.
• I read all his books (French or English) and sing all the songs I know in French.
• I attend "Franc-Depart" at l'Ecole Anne-Hebert once or twice a month.
• I crave cheese and make crepes on Sundays. :)

Could I do more?  Of course I can.

• Attend community events or library sing-alongs.
• Go to "Franc-Depart" more frequently.
• Find a French-speaking community for myself.
• Read and write in French, plus figure out how to add the accents on my computer.
• Re-record my answering machine message.
• Sign-up for Quebec Loisirs and Scholastics.
• Switch to Telus to access children's programs in French, Caillou is Calliou after all!

Why am I writing this in English then? Because I think that this can apply to anyone who speaks another language other than English. Even if you've lost some of it or even most of it. Even if only your parents speak it. It's so important to foster these languages and the culture around them as they are part of you and inevitably will be part of your children. Your dad is French and your mom is Russian, but grew up in Morocco, isn't that cool?

And to the countless people who have told me over the years. "Oh, I tried French in high school and the teacher was a strict b*****, so I gave up." So what? " But I forget the words and I can't spell." No excuses. Try again. Or try Portuguese, or Lebanese, reconnect to your roots or your interests. You'll thank yourself later.  I invite you to share your answers to the questions above and share your stories with me. Just click on the post to access the comment section. A bientot!

Vieux Port de Montreal