Taking a Phlegm Day Off

I am grateful for phlegm. Yup, you read it right, phlegm. When most of us suddenly find ourselves back at the gym or working on our resolutions with gusto, thanks to my son, and his rolling ball of green phlegm, we've sitting in neutral; reading, watching videos and sipping on fruit shakes. A small part of me wishes I could invent some kind of vacuum that would suck the sickness out of him, especially when he wakes up in the night because his drool pooled around his face , but on the other hand, I appreciate the opportunity to slow down and do less. I'm going to call this, 'taking a phlegm day off.'

I think most of us have forgotten how to slow down, even in times when we're supposed to slow down, like when we're sick or on vacation, it seems we actually speed up: maximizing our time off to complete chores, fix the house, visit friends and family, and going out. But, by the Old English definition, the word vacation, means "rest and freedom from any activity." Rest and freedom from any activity, not taking a 10 hour red-eye flight to an exotic place, or cooking a ten course meal for family or shopping the crowded malls to get the best Boxing Day deals and rushing back to work to catch up on work that supposedly piled up while everyone else was also on holidays. No, not that.

Of course, you don't have to be sick to take a phlegm day off, you just have to imagine you live in a cabin in the woods without electricity, and let any of these slower activities slide into your day organically; sleeping in, reading in bed, napping, taking leisurely walks with no destination and no designated time to get back, eating whole foods with minimal cooking, any activity with pen and paper like drawing, crosswords, sudoku or writing a letter to a friend, drinking tea, or petting an animal. Do you remember the last time you had a real phlegm day?

Simplicity Parenting- Filtering Out the Adult World

Okay, last section of Simplicity Parenting. It begins with a mother who is asked to use one word to describe motherhood to which she replies: worry. Wow, I was surprised to read that. I would have chosen love or joy, but I get it, worry and parenting seem interlocked, but it shouldn't define the entire experience! It continues to talk about filters parents can create to prevent kids from being exposed to adult information, fears, worries, stresses, concerns and also drives and ambitions.

First filter: Saying "No thanks" to television and screens. To mention all the findings that support turning off screens would take an entire other blog, so I won't go on about it, but one quote stands out: " By the time the average person reaches age seventy, he or she, will have spent the equivalent of seven to ten years watching television." Imagine, if you could take those 10 years and travel, or learn to play a musical instrument, or write a book, or spend with time with loved ones instead of watching tv?

I can see already, with my kids' natural inclination toward rhythm and repetition, that what started as watching "Caillou" every once in a while, has turned into a daily thing. I also have to remind him every day, that "Caillou" only comes after nap, and no, you may not watch it in the mornings. (He remembers the one morning I let him watch it while cutting his hair.) I hear friends with toddlers complain about it, about how annoying Dora's voice is or how the tantrums can be measured on the Richter scale when it's time to turn it off. One friend tried to tell her 4 year old that he could only watch t.v. on the weekends. Every morning, he pestered her: "Is it the weekend today? I just don't know many parents who rave about the benefits of television, or at least they are keeping quiet about how relieved they are to have it on when they need to shower, cook dinner, etc... I've also noticed some parents that say: "Oh, my kid doesn't watch television", while handing them their cell phone to play games.  I've been known to put on Sesame Street on the computer, although Elmo has been banned for a while now. It didn't take long to realize that it's only just a smaller screen. So, no matter what are views are on allowing screen time for our kids, we can probably agree that less is better.

A new mother recently visited me with her toddler for a play date. She proceeded to tell me about how sad she was when she heard about a mother and child that had been shot during the Colorado shootings. She couldn't help but tear up. I got the goosebumps. Our kids were playing around us. I hadn't heard about the shooting because I don't watch the news anymore and immediately remembered about filtering out the adult world. This clearly illustrated how television and the media can affect us, and how our kids, while seemingly unable to understand, do absorb on some level the stress it causes us. This example doesn't help to illustrate the next reminder in the book, that the world is safe, that there are not more kidnapping than when we were kids, and that children need to know that they are living in a good world with a future full of promises, but it's true. We, as parents, need to find ways to enjoy the times with live in so that we can breath and land the helicopter.

Second Filter: Have adult conversation when children are away. This is harder that I thought and something that I think will take time to get used to. It doesn't take years of scientific studies to know that conversations about let's say... your sister's divorce, a car accident on Knight Street, the flooding highway, not having enough money, or stress about losing a job create strong emotions, and that children feed off their parents' emotions. Stressful relationships too can have a strong influence on your kids too and honestly I've struggled at times with friendships that "drained me" and have had let them go. I also try my best to have "venting sessions" with my girlfriends over brunch while the kid is playing with his dad.

Third Filter: Talking less. Not every moment is a teachable moment. It's not necessary to explain photosynthesis every time your kid picks up a leaf. Keep quiet. Listen. You might hear: "Look mom, it's a boat!" This applies to any care giver I think. I recently met with parents who were raving about their daycare saying how wonderful it was when their 3 1/2 year old came home and explained about tectonic plates and earthquakes. What the ****? It is also suggested to talk less with children under nine about their emotions, which is something new to me. Emotional intelligence is vital for life, but cannot be rushed. When we push our kids towards awareness they don't have yet, we actually transpose our own emotions which overwhelms them. It benefits a child much more to simply listen as they become aware of their emotions and share them than to take their "emotional temperature" constantly by asking questions such as, are you okay, honey? Do you feel jealous of your sister? Is that why are angry? Sounds like a bit of hovering to me.... Finally, a good rule of thumb that reduces talking is to remind yourself: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Fourth Filter: Stop hovering and back off! This includes letting the under-involved parent step up without hovering over by the over-involved parent. You know who you are. Step back and observe, let your child come to you.

Finally, the main goal is to provide a safe base camp for your kid like a little bird's nest, a cozy tent, a warm blanket, or a parent's hug so that when "things happen" these things feel less threatening.

So that's it! I hope you've enjoyed the information I've extracted so far from this book and my comments. You can visit the Simplicity Parenting website for other resources or put your name on the list at the library. Speaking of which, it's probably due! There will probably be more parenting books to come as the kid grows up and I find myself looking for solutions, but I think that this one is a good one to start with. A simple and doable plan. One toy at a time, one less word at a time, one less "Caillou" at a time...

Simplicity Parenting-Schedules

You might guess what this section of Simplicity Parenting is all about when you read the title. "Over-scheduled kids" is not really news and it's been discussed since the '80's when David Elkind suggested in his book, The Hurried Child, that busy parents might be pushing their kids toward adulthood too quickly.

So what's the difference between 30 years ago and now? Apparently, in the 80's, kids had 40% of their day for free time after school, eating, sleeping and homework. By the late 90's that free time had dropped to 25%. Parents have felt unfairly blamed by these findings, and I can see why when other findings show that on average elementary kids spend 1hour and 20 minutes a night on homework. Um....Being a kid of the '80s, I do remember spending a ton of time playing with my friends and my brother. We were only allowed 1/2 day of tv a day and 1 hour on Saturdays for cartoons. There were no computers, cell phones, or video games. There was a ton of crafts, fort building, snow tunnels, cardboard boxes, dolls, Lego, biking, and swimming. I do remember doing scheduled activities, but I don't remember doing more than one activity a time.

Even though my son is only two, I have noticed a gentle "push" from other moms to join in on scheduled classes: music, art, yoga, gymnastics, soccer, swimming, etc...but just as it is advocated in this chapter, balance is key. Plus, I refuse to spend $20 a pop for a kid's yoga class. We do our own bending for free. Another thing I've noticed is the proliferation of private "tutoring" businesses around the city, especially on the west side. Is it an Asian value that has been transferred here by the Tiger Moms? Are other parents catching the feline flu and wanting their kids to be concert pianists by the age of 4 while reciting the names of the capital cities in alphabetical order while playing chess? Is that what kids need to survive the future? Man, better run out and get Baby Einstein cue cards today, just in case! (sarcasm inserted here)

I have read a lot about "Tiger Moms",  and "Snow Plow Parents" (parents who clear every obstacle in their kids' way).  The Globe and Mail ran recently posted a parenting article titled: Are our pampered kids under too much pressure? which supports that over-scheduling children in an effort to give them an "edge" for the future simply backfires as relentlessly pushed and overloaded kids today are depressed, anxious, and experiencing psychosomatic disorders.

One example quoted in the article is from a book, Teaching Your Children Well,  which I thought was really interesting. When parents were asked what they thought success for their kids was, they answered; for them to be happy, well-adjusted, responsible etc... When their kids were asked what their success is, they stated: making a lot of money. Very telling, no?

According to Simplicity Parenting, interesting results from having more unscheduled/down time are that...

• It gives kids the ability to direct themselves, "enjoy" the feeling of boredom, and to find ways to fill their own time. 
• It allows kids to grow "roots" so that they feel strong when they are engaged in scheduled activity.
• It allows kids to be bored, which is a precursor to creativity.

Also interesting is that:

• Ordinary days allow the sensational days to shine, renews his your kid's a sense of anticipation and in turn, builds character.
• The messiness of free play with many changes, active problem solving and empathy for others gives kids inner flexibility.
• General, free physical play strengthens skills for organized sports.

So overall, I am reminded by this chapter, that it's okay to have ordinary days, that the kid needs to feel bored at times, and the "edge" I can pass on to my kid is the gift of lifelong balance and the importance of downtime. I am excited to see the world all over again through my kid's eyes, just like the other day when he realized that he could eat the ice cream and the cone too, but I am reminded, all in good time, all in good time....

Future soccer player?

Simplicity Parenting-Rhythm

I've been reading and writing about Simplicity Parenting and some of the interesting information I've found. Here are tidbits about chapter two: Rhythm. The author stresses that the busier we are, the more important predictability and rhythm is to our kids. It becomes the most powerful way to simplify their life. What does rhythm and predictability mean? It should feel like this: "This is what we do on a school day morning....", " Before we leave the house we...", "When I get home, I...", "When mom and dad start dinner, I...", "Before bed, we....", "The thing I love about Saturday mornings is..."," On Sundays we...", "When one of us is sick, we always...", "A special thing we do for someone's birthday is...."

Other suggestions for creating rhythm and predictability:

2. Previewing the next day with your child allows them to look for predictable markers in their day and to know what to expect. (Especially if the day is different than the usual routine.) I'm not sure I agree on this point; I recently made the mistake of telling my son at 8 in the morning, as we were heading out on a vacation, that we would be going on a boat. For the next 6 hours all we heard is the kid demanding from his seat in the car: " I wanna go on the boat!" over and over and over and over... Imagine if I had told him the day before....

3. One of the simplest form of predictability in daily life is politeness. This was surprising to me; that politeness can serve as mini-predictability posts throughout the day. Kids come to expect thank you's and you're welcomes and often point it out if you forget!  Oops!

4. Using simple songs with toddlers when doing daily activities such as teeth brushing or hand-washing help ritualize the activity, thus increasing predictability. "Cleam-up (sic) Cleam-up, it's time to Cleam-up," sings my kid happily likes it's just as much fun to cleam up that do mess up. There's a reminder mom, when you want to throw all the toys on the floor out the window!)

5. Food should be simplified just like toys and books; it is meant to nourish, not entertain or excite. (It's hard not to get excited about ice cream, though... )

6. Three or four quiet moments scheduled moments in your day allows kids to release stress and to sleep better at night. Naps, reading, a moment of silence at dinner,  deep play, lighting a candle, and cuddling are all good ways to chill-out and release pressure. (Boy, do I need to remind myself that this is vital to the parents too...I'm super guilty of using nap time to "catch up" on chores.

Once I heard this on a TED talk which I think illustrates this chapter really well.

Imagine you are exploring Paris for the first time. You're seeing a ton of new things, you're eating new foods, hearing new languages, walking a lot, getting lost and finding your way. Everything is exciting and you can't seem to soak it all in as much as you would like. As you arrive at your hotel room, you fall into bed in total exhaustion only to find that you can't fall asleep, re-living all the wonderful things you did that day. Now, do it again the next day, but first drink 3 cups of expresso. THAT's what toddlers live everyday.


Even when we travel, we create routines, some predictability and moments to be calm. We might make a point to always get back to the hotel for lunch, or carry a map, to bring snacks from home or have coffee at the same coffee shop every morning. So it only makes sense that we should create this rhythm for our kids too, so that they can enjoy all the excitement of the day, knowing some of the things that comes next and that there will be times to rest.

I think we've done well in establishing rhythm and predictability in our daily family life, especially when after dinner the kid says: "It's almost dodo (sleep) time, but first, a little bit play time! Ah, ah, ah!

mandatory goofy time

Simplicity Parenting-Environment

For fear of this post turning into a book report, I would like to share some of the key information in Simplicity Parenting that stood out for me without going on about it at length, right? Keeping it simple. Why? In case some of you are still operating on a few hours of sleep a night or already captivated by good bedside reading.

In the introduction, the author, Kim John Payne, praises simplicity and simplifying life for kids. No one can deny that our world often feels packed with too much stuff, too many choices and not enough time; I've certainly raced in my car to get coffee, disappointed that they didn't have my usual brand and overwhelmed by the choice of beans: organic or not, 12oz for $13.99 or 14oz for $14.99, fairtrade, ethical or not, locally or faraway brewed, super yummy, yummy or drinkable.....argh! So what about kids? What's the kid version of my coffee dilemma? How can we, as parents, offer a safe place to just be kids, away from the hyperspeed of daily life, a way for kids to be free and to discover their individuality?

Environment is the first section of the book which offers tips on reducing toys, clutter and books, as well as sounds, smells and light. Here are some points collected from this section which I thought were interesting:

1.  The average child has 150 toys.
2.  Pester-power usually wins. That's why marketers have increased advertising dollars from $100 million in 1983 to $16 billion in 2009.
3.  A smaller quantity of toys invites deeper play and engagement. An avalanche of toys creates emotional disconnect and a sense of overwhelm.

So, TOYS, to chuck or not to chuck? (Or give to goodwill) Start with this list and chuck:

1. Broken toys.
2. Developmentally inappropriate toys.
3. Conceptually "fixed" toys; toys based on characters from movies, comic books or tv which leads to wanting "more of that series".
4. Toys that "do too much" and break too easily; "do too much" meaning that don't lead to imagination. (Usually toys with lots of buttons)
5. Very high simulation toys: toys with flashing lights, mechanical voices, speed, sound effects intended to "excite" and "stimulate" kids.
6. Annoying or offensive toys: I admit we have a few of these I still haven't been able to tune out.
7. Toys that claim to give a developmental edge. Play is not a race. It is not an advancement opportunity.
8. Pester-Power toys you succumbed to.
9. Toys that inspire and glorify violence.
10. Toy multiples. (oh, boy, this one is tough. The kid loves his cars and trucks.)

What's left? You'd be surprised that a manageable amount of well-made, attractive, "quieter" toys invites imaginary play and encourages kids to create new worlds and new ways to play without having to replenish the pile so frequently.

And BOOKS, how many is too many? Books can follow the same rules as toys. The suggested amount is to offer 1-2 accessible books for children under 8-9 years old. REALLY? This one was hard to accept given my love of the library, but considering that the kid usually only wants to read 1-2 books over and over, I think the author might onto something....

CLOTHES too must be simplified. This is something I think I've finally managed to tame and I can't tell you how easy it is now to get the kid dressed; I've whittled it down to 4 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of shorts, 2 long sleeve tops, 5 t-shirts, 1 swimsuit, 3 pyjamas, a coat, 2 sweaters, 1 pair of shoes, 1 pair of rubber boots and a handful of socks. Goodbye to pulling out a pair of pants and triggering an avalanche of other pants. As the author states, clothes only need to say one thing: "I'm comfortable and ready to play!"

Reducing artificial SMELLS (a.k.a chemicals), in the home such as air fresheners, scented candles, perfumes, and cleaning products allow mom and dad's natural smell to linger and to create a sense of safety. This part was easy for me since I'm not big on " Ocean Breeze" and "Hawaiian Dew".

LIGHT also plays a big part of a child's environment. Reducing bright or fluorescent light as well as the glow of tv and computer screens quiets the mind and slows the body. My kid loves sunshine. Sunshine! he yells enthusiastically as he looks out the window. (Some months of the year, I yell the same thing in disbelief) He also loves darkness, he calls it "NOIR", not to mention his obsession with "fooas", his word for flames. We light a candle to entice him to take a bath on most nights.

I've been on this "simplicity" kick for a few months now, and I had started to purge our home of unnecessary clutter, and already cleared most of the kid's toys and clothes, so I was happy to read that my plan had a significant impact on the well being of my kid. I probably could get my hands on a few more toy cars..

The next sections in the book talk about rhythm and schedules which I will review in a later post. For now, I am completely thrilled to watch my kid prepare "shakes" with a coffee container, toy cups and block kiwis.

Rhino Sleeps in a Jar

Last night, after a very sweaty hour at Zumba where my brain was confused because it was telling my arms to move and they stubbornly stayed at my sides as if holding heavy shopping bags, I came home and curled up with 'Simplicity Parenting' by Kim John Payne. In just the first two chapters, there were so many wise bits of information to ponder over. I won't attempt to quote all of the things that stood out for me, but I might mention them as I incorporate them in my family life in no systematic way, but fluidly as days unfold.

I suppose I still had simplicity on my mind as I woke up this morning, and so I set out to find moments in my day that could benefit from a little paring down. More paring down? Yup. If you've been reading posts in the last few months, I've been really trying to minimize the amount of stuff that lives in my house and making a conscious effort to not let things come in. (okay, except for the sewing machine) So yes, more paring down. Author and family counselor, Kim John Payne, invites families to do some serious overhaul of toys and books; to get rid of old, broken, and loud toys. Toys that have too many buttons, that do everything for you or have only one function and don't allow for imagination. So without going all gung-ho on the toys and taking out the garbage bags, I decided to sit with the information in my mind. My mind was primed for simple play....

So today, the kid and I played with a jar and a plastic rhinoceros. We put him to sleep, closed the lid and sang lullabies- all the kid's idea. We put that rhino to sleep a lot, over and over again. It was fun. Later on, I had a urge to pack up dinner and go to the beach.... umm... tempting, but I when I really thought about it, I wasn't in the mood for bringing leftover fish stew to the beach and I also didn't want to come up with another "beachier' meal. So, simple wins again. Fish stew, and blueberries for desert at the diner table, and enough time to take the kid and his push bike up the block. For some reason, I had it in my head that we should go at least a certain distance, you know, to tire him out, but no, I quickly relinquished that idea when it was clear that all  the kid wanted to do is ride his bike around and around a miniature maple tree over and over again.

miniature maple leaves

Oh! And  I sewed a pouch for my very limited amount of make-up.

Zakka Style Pouch

Zakka Style Sewing

Don't you just love the library? You've probably heard me praise libraries before, just think, there are many places in the world where libraries don't even exist! Anyways, here's my latest find: Zakka Style- 24 projects stitched with ease to give, use and enjoy. The Japanese word Zakka loosely means 'many things' or 'miscellaneous goods' as well as a style that is simple, unique and handmade. Simple, unique and handmade? Sounds like something right up my alley! Apparently, I'm not alone in this alley, a quick search on the internet turns up hundreds of pages on Zakka Style sew-alongs (sew-alongs are web-supported groups of people who sew the same project at the same time, help each other and show off) so I was eager to get started.

Here's a photo of my pencil case which I completed in about an hour while the Kid was his crib singing: "Mommy, I don't close my eyes, I don't nap, Mommy."

What's fun about this style is the small amount of patchwork included in the sewing. I'm not much into making quilts and cutting a zillion little pieces of cloth, but with these small projects you can enjoy the combination of leftover fabrics without going bananas. The use of linen also gives the pieces a simple and natural look. I think I might repeat this project again, it was so much fun. Or invent something....

Oh and I finally got my hands on a copy of Simplicity Parenting- Using the extraordinary power of less to raise calmer, happier and more secure kids from the library, so I might have to slow down the artistic challenge so I can read it before the next person on the long, long, waiting list can have it. Gotta find out why so many people want to read this book! More on that later!

Simple Pleasures

As promised in my last post, I will be choosing tips for the Simple Living Manifesto on Zen Habits regularly and try to incorporate more simplicity in my life. I managed to carry through yesterday's tip of "Carry Less" into today, bringing home 4 library books, rather than 20 and doing a small run at the grocery store. The kid wanted to be carried, so instead of carrying him, I distracted him by giving him a loaf of bread to carry on his own.

For today, I choose number 59: Make a list of your favorite simple pleasures, and sprinkle them throughout the day. Here's my list. Only 10 out of 50 so far today. Gotta get my sprinkles out!

1. using a nice smelly soap in the shower
2. going to bed in clean sheets
3. sipping wine while cooking

4. dark chocolate

5. the good tired feeling after a workout

6. doodling, drawing or painting
7. reading a book in bed
8. hugs

9. watching the kid do something new and saying: I did it!

10. take-out on a day I don't want to cook
11. bowls of berries

12. singing to a tune in the car

13. seeing animals/birds/fish/bugs in the wild or at the Aquarium
14.taking pictures

15. writing

16. drinking a strong cup of coffee in the morning

17. riding my bike alone or with the kid
18. watching my kid ride his bike
19. making and eating crepes
20. buying less stuff
21. licorice at a movie
22. wrapping gifts
23. dancing to loud music
24. going to the beach
25. floating in the water
26. picnics
27. brunch with my girlfriends
28. hanging out with my mom
29. family dinners
30. getaways with my husband
31. blowing bubbles
32. hanging on the sidewalks with the neighbors and their kids
32. sharing a bbq with friends
33. helping out
34. receiving "good mail"
34. wearing jeans
32. wearing a bra that doesn't hurt
33. eating foods I like when they are in season
34. a clean room
35. a funny story and a good laugh
35. a pedicure
36. a massage
37. playing the piano

38. trying out a new recipe

39. window shopping on a nice street
40. going to vintage/antique stores

41. listening to my boy saying: Okay Mommy! with super enthusiasm

42. seeing joy on my husband's face when he talks about his car
43. doing a crossword/playing scrabble

44. looking at babies

45. waking up to sunshine
46. reading in bed with my husband before lights out
47. baking
48. when my husband comes home earlier than I thought

49. throwing the fresh laundry out of the dryer onto my son

50. when my husband says I'm beautiful

Side note:
I've been wanting to get a copy of "Simplicity Parenting" and when I went on the online library catalog, it said I had to register for an Adobe ID, download a software and then download the book onto my home computer. Not simple. Instead, I had the librarian order a hard copy for me and when it arrives at my local branch, I will receive an email. That's easy. Can't wait to read it!

legfull of pollen