Mouse Pooh Love Facebook

I've decided to put away Facebook for a while. Why? I'm not completely sure, but I've noticed that it's become a habit to check my account several times a day, and when I do, I don't feel that good about it.

At first, I thought it was about update frequency. I'm one of those people who prefers to "reserve" information so when I see someone in person, I feel I have something to add to the  conversation. Others prefer to keep their friends in the loop on a more regular basis. But, what is a valuable update and what is just "filling cyber space"? Unlike your friends who give you moment-by-moment updates of their cat's recovery from a bad case of diarrhea, your updates are obviously much more interesting and awe-inspiring, right? I, too wonder if what I'm sharing is actually interesting to others. Is discrepancy in frequency and quality of content, the reason why I'm cutting myself off? Not entirely, it could also be about the false sense of connection I feel when I log on.

Mike, a "friend" I knew 20 years ago and haven't seen since updates from the ferry he captains on False Creek saying "Quiet morning on the water. This time of year we often don't see any passengers for the first few hours. Consequently my singing voice gets pretty strong." I picture him floating there and it takes me away from the boredom of being stuck at home while the kid naps. But we're not really friends...

Maybe it's about "mouse pooh love", a term my friend Meggie and I coined over the phone one night. You know that little jolt of excitement you get when you get a message, comment or a "like"? Each of those act like a positive shot to our ego; someone thinks we're clever, funny, informative, observant, or important. Someone "likes" us. It's not the same big feeling we get from a heart-felt hug and an "I love you"; it's a mouse pooh sized bit of love. And like watery coffee, you just never feel quite satisfied and you need more coffee throughout the day. Ah, addiction!

When I told my husband I was going cold turkey off Facebook for a while, he offered an interesting perspective; Facebook is a collection of advertisements about people you know. Like watching television and only seeing ads. I laughed. Advertisements and most of all television advertisements drive me completely bonkers, so maybe that's why I've been feeling "annoyed". 

Am I never going back? Probably not, but I am making an effort to break the habit. I do appreciate that I can use it to check in with friends, especially those who live far away in a different time zone but I plan on picking up the phone more and to continue with my snail mail. For a while at least. Keep in touch!

Is this photo Facebook worthy? Not sure....

Smashing Plates for Real!

In my last post, I thought about beating the blues by smashing plates to a good song and putting on a ridiculous prom dress. I couldn't get my hands on a fluffy dress with puffy sleeves, but I did put on some high heels, and have a sip of rum to warm up. I picked a spot under the skytrain, and only one guy walking his dog came by and quickly walked away when he saw what I was doing. Ha, Ha, Ha! All in all, it was pretty effective. I felt much better and celebrated with fish tacos and people watching on the drive. As for a babysitter or sex, hasn't panned out... yet!:)

Tequila Shots and Plate Smashing

It's funny how depression creeps up on me slowly and it gives me little signs, it doesn't hide behind something and then kaplow! jumps up and says: feel lame now! It creeps in when I don't make time for myself, when I don't exercise, when I feel lonely, but don't make an effort to reach out, and when I eat a lot of granola or Greek vanilla yogurt.

I feel like the soaked leaves on the sidewalk, all mushed up with no where to go. Like the tasteless soup I dumped out after a day in the slow cooker. Like deflated birthday balloon found under the couch.  Listing these similes is cheering me up a little bit, ooh... In the past I used to worry when I felt depressed, stress out about it and created a bit of drama for myself, but now, I simply notice it and let myself fall into it. I don't feel guilty about it, I don't try to mask it by doing chores or baking, I just let it be. It goes away eventually. It always does. Like an English as a second language student who is here to study for a while and then goes back home.

So like I said, I'm quite content sitting with my sorry self for now, but at some point I'll get the urge to do something about it. Before the kid, furniture rearranging, heading for the border, retail therapy, sharing a bottle of red with a funny friend or taking an entire day to make a giant paella with my husband would have done the trick, but things have changed. How have they changed? At first, I thought it was spontaneity that was missing, but it's not entirely that. It's my belief (belief, right? not necessarily reality) that the hassle of scheduling, arranging, planning, and finding babysitting outweighs the benefits of doing something fun. And if by surprise, I find myself with a few hours of free time, my mind goes blank and I end up alone somewhere drinking coffee or biking around aimlessly. There's a little drama :)

So there are two approaches; deal with the belief first and the blahness will go away or deal with the blahness and then the belief will dissipate. Or do both at once?

I've been mulling over some ideas in my head to kick this blahness to the curb. A couple of tequila shots might work. There's a collection of dusty tequila bottles in the cupboard, it's two thirty in the afternoon Um... tempting, but it might impede my tiny motivation to make it to Zumba tonight, which has been proven to help in the past.

Another new way came to me this morning as I was looking out my kitchen window. Across the street from us, there's a restaurant equipment business that just put out big stacks of plates with a free sign on them. Plate smashing? Very tempting!

How about putting on a ridiculous prom dress? My high school prom dress is hanging in my closet, but it's about the size of my ankle, so, maybe not, but maybe wearing something flashy, fun and sexy and dancing to loud '80's music might do it.

Sex might be an effective third way. Tequila, plate smashing, and high heels might be interesting foreplay....

or just calling a damn babysitter.

I'm not kidding.

Good Mail via Snail Mail

I've been writing by hand this month. I don't know how this came about exactly, but I think it started when I decided to fill my husband's work mailbox with good mail. And then, I decided that my faraway good friend, who was not having the best time, also needed some mail. I collected "treasures" that could be written on and mailed; chopsticks, stickers, postcards, menus, cartoons, recipes and even candy.  As I was writing, I also became more and more aware of different pens and how they write. At first, I rummaged in my households' pencil holders, but unsatisfied with most pens we had, I finally "permanently adopted" my husband's fancy work pen.

Think of all the time we spend typing and texting. We hardly even sign our names anymore or write the date on things. It's not only the art of letter writing that has disappeared, but also the way we write with a pen or a pencil. Our fingers cramp. I noticed the other day when I was writing with a pencil that I instantly felt like a kid again. I was reminded that it's hard to keep the lines straight when the paper is blank and that I haven't licked a stamp in forever, but still remember that slightly sweet glue taste.

Sending and receiving a letter feels the same as giving or receiving a gift, doesn't it? When we open the mail box, absentmindedly flipping through the bills and flyers, and we discover some good mail, it's like a mini Christmas morning, isn't it?  We pay attention to the stamp, the envelope, and the paper. We recognize the handwriting and we miss that person suddenly. We might save reading that letter for a quieter time in our day when we can relax and read it uninterrupted. Good mail is more than just words; a postcard is like a flying kiss and a four page letter is like a long hug.

It's been a rediscovery for me. I decided to read more about people who write by hand, and visited a shop near my house that lets you type a letter on their vintage typewriters; it was super fun and I'll probably make it habit to go regularly. While I was there, I treated myself to some nice stationery and free tea and cookies. I know that letter writing is not as easy as sending an email or texting on your phone, but it's more fun! Here are some tips I found useful to get back in the handwriting groove:

• Next time you visit the post office, buy a book of stamps and keep them in your wallet along with the addresses of a handful of people you want to write to regularly. 
• Have fun selecting the stamps and don't be afraid to ask the clerk to show you what else is in the stamp drawer; I once had a boyfriend who was very particular about using "just the right stamp" for the right person, and it really did add a "je-ne-sais-quoi" to his letters. 
• Start small. A post card, a thank you card, or a comic cut out of the paper. Be imaginative about what constitutes a letter, usually if it's about the thickness of a Ryvita cracker it's good to go with a regular stamp.
• Write to different people; a thank you note to your local coffee shop owners who brew that perfect cup, an idea or suggestion to your mayor, or a letter of encouragement to yourself.
• Don't expect anything in return. Just anticipate in your mind, the surprised look on your loved one's face when they open their mailbox.

Hooray for snail mail!
Renew your Canada Post patronage!
Send some love!

The view from my letter writing spot.

Being a Better Mommy Friend

I'm learning to be a better friend to my mom friends. Recently I noticed that my mind seems to shut off when my mom friends talk about their kids and I felt bad about it. Then it occurred to me that it is because when, us, moms talk about our kids we are not really interested in hearing about what anyone else has to say, we've already decided in our mind what is the superior way to deal with our own child, and we seem to simply want to voice our concerns or decisions out loud. Even if we are asking for advice, we aren't really. We pretty much already know what were going to do. Talking about kids is not like talking about movies, the news or fun things to do around town. There is no room for variance of opinion or exchange or ideas. Your kid is yours and mine is mine. Yours eats peas and mine doesn't. Yours poohs in the tub and mine in the closet. What your kid did that melted your heart is not going to melt mine and vice versa. Two moms talking about their kids almost seem to be having separate conversations side-by-side. Okay, so it took me some time to figure this out, and I felt bad for some time that I didn't want to talk much or didn't really seem as enthused as I might look. And honestly, my friends probably don't think it's that funny that my kid says mocomotive instead of locomotive. (I laugh every time)

Okay, so you think I'm cold, BUT I have to add that I love my mom friends. I know we are just trying to be the best moms we can and sometimes when we are unsure of ourselves we tend to talk too much about pooh or lack of sleep. So here are some tricks I've come to use to liven up the conversation and keep the love flowing:

1. Don't judge.  Most teenagers sleep in their own beds, use the toilet, and no longer breast feed, so I guess most moms are doing a pretty good job, no matter how they do it. Not judging also means not gossiping with your spouse about other moms (and dads); "Can you believe they are feeding little Casper jellybeans and shrimp cocktails? OMG!" Seek to understand the whole story behind your friend's decisions and enjoy their own unique way of doing things.

2. Don't give advice. This is difficult to do. It occurred to me recently that even when a friend seems unsure, it's not a call for advice. A lot of people work out their ideas and decisions by talking out loud and having someone listen and aren't necessarily looking for advice or solutions. Even if they explicitly ask for your opinion or advice, don't be offended if they don't take it.

3. Bring non-kid conversation topics to the play date.  I know it's not always easy to do, especially if you are a stay-at-home mom like me and often feel disconnected from the outside world, BUT it's essential, PLUS it forces you to be less boring and make time for yourself.  Go see a movie, take a violin class, go on a date, anything that is kidless. If suddenly you find you've been talking about the trials and tribulations of potty training for too long, make a joke of it and move on to something else.
 
Another trick is to ask pre-kid questions like; tell me about the best trip you've even taken. I asked a neighbor dad this last question and he had the best story about being stranded in Mozambique, and watching Rambo in a good Samaritan's garage.

Sometimes after many, many play dates at the park or sitting around in a living room, conversations dry up. Another way to create new memories and to learn something new is to involve mommy friends in your projects. Baking, canning, sewing, crafting, whether it's a hobby or something you've wanted to learn, it's a perfect way to share time together!

4. Encourage one another. I remember bringing home my kid for the first time and in the sleepless months that followed, my mom repeated this to me. " You're doing a great job, honey. You're a great mom." It was the best thing to hear. It's really all I needed. We already KNOW how to be great moms, we just need to be encouraged sometimes, that's it. No advice. No comparison.  So next time a mommy friend is talking too much about their kid's tantrums, or their fear of the dishwasher, just say: "You're doing a great job. You're a good mom."




So to end this, here's something new (and kidless) I learned recently about ladies in the past. Cool eh? 

Thoughts on Thanksgiving

There's a lot on my mind these days. It's October, a very busy month for our family, many birthdays, Thanksgiving, my father-in-law visiting for a few weeks, travels, and all the household activities related to the changing seasons. My head is running, the washing machine is spinning, the new bed is coming; it's a whirlwind. That is why I enjoy writing for a while, to settle my mind, let thoughts come and go as the sun streams through the window highlighting my son's fingerprints. It's nice to put my brain in neutral for a bit.

I love fall, don't you? Hasn't the weather been glorious? Sunny and crisp, I feel like the air smells and feels like apples. Thanksgiving is this weekend and while most of us are happily anticipating seeing friends and family, some of us are stressing out over recipes and the lack the wine glasses. My mother called and mentioned it might be nice to have Thanksgiving dinner at our place this year... hint... hint... and for two seconds I panicked. Only two seconds. I'm grateful to have a family here to celebrate, and for my father-in-law who has come all the way from Brazil to see his grandson. 

So let me take another look at this seemingly "busy" month. We get to celebrate the birth of 3 wonderful people and eat cake 3 times. We get an extra pair of hands to cook a turkey, put together a bed, and play with the boy. We finally get to take a family vacation and even though we haven't planned it at all yet, it's bound to be an adventure. There's pumpkins to be picked, leaves to be kicked, and local apples to eat. We can appreciate candle light again, now that the sun settles down earlier and wear cozy sweaters. All this is the 'thanks' in Thanksgiving.

fall flowers