Dating Mr. Us

In a marriage there are 3 people. Obviously there's you and your partner. That's easy to see, because you are both physically there, but there is another "person", I'll call him "Mr. Us". Mr. Us is harder to see and often gets lost, mostly because he's not human, but also because he tends to hide when life gets too full with responsibilities, chores, kids, and stress.

Mr. Us doesn't like to be ignored for too long though, and because he's not human, he can't say things like: "Hey! Hey you there! Look at me! I'm bored!", but he uses other weird ways to get noticed. One of his ways is to make you forget you're a wife or a husband by putting the focus of your attention on the other roles you have like worker, parent, sibling, volunteer etc..so much so that your partner starts to feel like a roommate instead of a spouse. Then, Mr. Us, and this is his favorite way to get noticed because it amuses him a lot, will amplify your "roommate's" annoying little habits so much so that you'll start to think things like, why did I marry this person?, or will this person ever change?

So what's the best way to stop Mr. Us' crazy ways? To pay attention to him of course! He can be demanding; requiring daily attention and a variety of activities on a regular basis. This can be the trickier part, but can easily be incorporated in daily life with just a bit of attention. His favorite activities are intimacy, open communication, fun, laughter, novelty, compliments, adventure, physical touch, acts of service, learning, sharing and gifts. Most of these activities come in a bundle, so if you can make one happen, others will automatically happen. Mr. Us likes this a lot.

When my husband and I first met, Mr. Us was super happy. We took him out to dinner to every restaurant in town, took him on road trips to the States, flew him to Brazil, shared many bottles of wine and had long conversations with him, floated him down a raft in some rapids, took him to see movies, shared our wedding with him etc... The list is long. And then, slowly, and mostly after the kid, Mr. Us got ignored more and more and started acting up. But I know him. I know his sneaky ways and his shenanigans when he feels left out. I know how to head him off before it's too late. I have tricks up my sleeve.

When I notice myself getting annoyed by my husband's little habits, the things he didn't do or the ones he didn't do right, I say to myself: "Hold your horses!" First, I take inventory of what's going on with me. Have I put myself or my health on the back burner? If the answer is yes, then that's the first thing I take care of. Once that's done, then I ask myself, when was the last time we had real fun just the two of us together? Even though I've read how important it is to schedule a "date night" we've only set this in motion recently, and it's been awesome. What scheduling does, is put Mr. Us at the forefront, which he loves!

"Date nights" also allow for meaningful conversation even though talking is not always mandatory. It's also okay if the only way you can come up with meaningful conversation is to prepare questions on a piece of paper or steal ideas from a book or the internet. Especially if you're like us and the conversation always falls back to the kid. Here's a sample of questions Mr. Us likes:

• The kind of relationship we have is. . .
• One way in which we are alike, is. . .
• One way in which we are different, is. .
• I feel closest to you when. . .
• What I like best in our relationship is. . .
• In five years, I see us. . .
• Something you have helped me learn about myself is. . .
• I have most fun with you when. . .
• What I think I could have done to make your day better is...

So, make yourself, your spouse and your marriage happy, schedule a date night right now! Sit down together and find ways you can satisfy Mr. Us! It's the only way to go! Pretend you've only just met. What would you be doing together? What would you be talking about?