First filter: Saying "No thanks" to television and screens. To mention all the findings that support turning off screens would take an entire other blog, so I won't go on about it, but one quote stands out: " By the time the average person reaches age seventy, he or she, will have spent the equivalent of seven to ten years watching television." Imagine, if you could take those 10 years and travel, or learn to play a musical instrument, or write a book, or spend with time with loved ones instead of watching tv?
I can see already, with my kids' natural inclination toward rhythm and repetition, that what started as watching "Caillou" every once in a while, has turned into a daily thing. I also have to remind him every day, that "Caillou" only comes after nap, and no, you may not watch it in the mornings. (He remembers the one morning I let him watch it while cutting his hair.) I hear friends with toddlers complain about it, about how annoying Dora's voice is or how the tantrums can be measured on the Richter scale when it's time to turn it off. One friend tried to tell her 4 year old that he could only watch t.v. on the weekends. Every morning, he pestered her: "Is it the weekend today? I just don't know many parents who rave about the benefits of television, or at least they are keeping quiet about how relieved they are to have it on when they need to shower, cook dinner, etc... I've also noticed some parents that say: "Oh, my kid doesn't watch television", while handing them their cell phone to play games. I've been known to put on Sesame Street on the computer, although Elmo has been banned for a while now. It didn't take long to realize that it's only just a smaller screen. So, no matter what are views are on allowing screen time for our kids, we can probably agree that less is better.
A new mother recently visited me with her toddler for a play date. She proceeded to tell me about how sad she was when she heard about a mother and child that had been shot during the Colorado shootings. She couldn't help but tear up. I got the goosebumps. Our kids were playing around us. I hadn't heard about the shooting because I don't watch the news anymore and immediately remembered about filtering out the adult world. This clearly illustrated how television and the media can affect us, and how our kids, while seemingly unable to understand, do absorb on some level the stress it causes us. This example doesn't help to illustrate the next reminder in the book, that the world is safe, that there are not more kidnapping than when we were kids, and that children need to know that they are living in a good world with a future full of promises, but it's true. We, as parents, need to find ways to enjoy the times with live in so that we can breath and land the helicopter.
Second Filter: Have adult conversation when children are away. This is harder that I thought and something that I think will take time to get used to. It doesn't take years of scientific studies to know that conversations about let's say... your sister's divorce, a car accident on Knight Street, the flooding highway, not having enough money, or stress about losing a job create strong emotions, and that children feed off their parents' emotions. Stressful relationships too can have a strong influence on your kids too and honestly I've struggled at times with friendships that "drained me" and have had let them go. I also try my best to have "venting sessions" with my girlfriends over brunch while the kid is playing with his dad.
Third Filter: Talking less. Not every moment is a teachable moment. It's not necessary to explain photosynthesis every time your kid picks up a leaf. Keep quiet. Listen. You might hear: "Look mom, it's a boat!" This applies to any care giver I think. I recently met with parents who were raving about their daycare saying how wonderful it was when their 3 1/2 year old came home and explained about tectonic plates and earthquakes. What the ****? It is also suggested to talk less with children under nine about their emotions, which is something new to me. Emotional intelligence is vital for life, but cannot be rushed. When we push our kids towards awareness they don't have yet, we actually transpose our own emotions which overwhelms them. It benefits a child much more to simply listen as they become aware of their emotions and share them than to take their "emotional temperature" constantly by asking questions such as, are you okay, honey? Do you feel jealous of your sister? Is that why are angry? Sounds like a bit of hovering to me.... Finally, a good rule of thumb that reduces talking is to remind yourself: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
Fourth Filter: Stop hovering and back off! This includes letting the under-involved parent step up without hovering over by the over-involved parent. You know who you are. Step back and observe, let your child come to you.
Finally, the main goal is to provide a safe base camp for your kid like a little bird's nest, a cozy tent, a warm blanket, or a parent's hug so that when "things happen" these things feel less threatening.
So that's it! I hope you've enjoyed the information I've extracted so far from this book and my comments. You can visit the Simplicity Parenting website for other resources or put your name on the list at the library. Speaking of which, it's probably due! There will probably be more parenting books to come as the kid grows up and I find myself looking for solutions, but I think that this one is a good one to start with. A simple and doable plan. One toy at a time, one less word at a time, one less "Caillou" at a time...
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